The 25 funniest jokes of the week
The days are growing longer, if only slightly, the kids are back in school and the House of Commons is up in arms over *checks notes* a sticker on the Speaker’s wife’s car. Let’s put all that to one side for a few minutes and just enjoy these very funny things that have been on Twitter during the last week.
I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him. With a neighbour, presumably.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 9, 2019
"Mum! I've got a part in a big film!"
"Well done Paul! Who are you playing?" pic.twitter.com/8wyQNB4uaG
— Sarah Barnard (@sarahs_mindtank) January 8, 2019
wheres my fuckin son pic.twitter.com/QM2nh5AYKs
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) January 9, 2019
I have the worst level of French. Just enough to ask a question, never enough to understand the answer.
— Jack Whitehall (@jackwhitehall) January 8, 2019
everyone who makes fun of how cats look in medieval paintings feels very dumb nowpic.twitter.com/uJcRzGBWSJ
— ditch witch (@knifesex) January 8, 2019
absolutely do not condone the protestors outside parliament but it is good to see them staying safe in high visibility clothing as recommended in EU directive 89/686/EEC
— joe (@mutablejoe) January 8, 2019
Army lads always wear their work uniform to weddings and shit, but if I rock up in my latex dom suit I’m “causing a scene”.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) January 7, 2019
How to make someone say “you off?”
1. Slap hands onto knees
2. Say “right”
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) January 8, 2019
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 9, 2019
To be a likable woman candidate just follow these simple rules: Don’t be old, don’t be young, don’t be middle aged, don’t be serious, don’t be funny, don’t be loud, don’t be quiet, smile more, don’t smile too much, don’t wear that, or that, here is a Handmaid’s costume.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 7, 2019
“Tonight’s main story: my outfit looks like balls and a cock, peeing. More at 11” pic.twitter.com/KyW2SZ3uac
— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) January 5, 2019