Simply 88 funny tweets from 2018
45.
When you book a room but the last meeting runs over. pic.twitter.com/fFA0DbDDoI
— Rondelle Hobbs (@RondelleHobbs) September 12, 2018
46.
Shower gels aimed at men are always rank. Fuck my masculinity I wanna leave the shower smellin like vanilla and rhubarb not burnt wood and casual racism
— lou (@lou_tredaway) September 10, 2018
47.
ME: I did it. I finally did it.
HER: OMG you found a job??
ME: What? No. I stopped searching twitter so I could take a nap.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) September 12, 2018
48.
Colleague: You can't put ham with chicken
Me: What are you, the… pic.twitter.com/fZSvUuqD9g— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) September 13, 2018
49.
Twitter 2009.
I like apples.
I like pears.
That’s cool.
Yeah.Twitter 2018.
I like apples.
So you’re anti pears then.
No, I just prefer apples.
So you hate pears.
I never said that.
Fucking pear hater.
I don’t hate pears!
Yes you do. You make me sick. Scum.— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 13, 2018
50.
Irving Berlin’s reputation in tatters as researchers discover 4 businesses like showbusiness.
— John-Luke Saturnalia Roberts (@jlukeroberts) September 12, 2018
51.
Whenever I worry I’m becoming too pretentious, I send my au pair into the smaller of my two gift wrapping rooms to cheer me up with a little something.
— CJ de Mooi (@cjdemooi) September 12, 2018
52.
I get the same with Mick Hucknall. pic.twitter.com/MKmHoIvnbe
— Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) September 23, 2018
53.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 18, 2018
54.
leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again
me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?
— Skoog (@Skoogeth) September 24, 2018
55.
Cat is sitting beside me. We share a sweet look, a soft, blinking thing, a reciprocal affection between two mammals on a spinning ball of rock in space. He stirs, and I open my arms, for he is coming to my lap. Wait, nope, he's licking his arsehole.
— Jake Yapp (@jakeyapp) September 25, 2018
56.
police sketch artist: not you again
me: it was real this time i promise
police sketch artist: ok describe his face
me: he had the eyes of a man who burgled ham
police sketch artist: god damnit
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) September 25, 2018
57.
It’s been 21 years and I still don’t know what Robbie Williams is loving angels instead of
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) September 28, 2018
58.
No, spelt W-H-O-L-E-G-R-A-I-N. pic.twitter.com/nFU1wbz3Pr
— Tom Hamilton (@thhamilton) September 25, 2018
59.
SPHINX: “What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?”
CONTESTANT: A badly scheduled darts match?”
*Producer talks to Sphinx through earpiece*
SPHINX: “Well….it’s not what I’ve got written on my card, but we’re going to give you that.”— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 27, 2018
60.
I wonder how many Mexican waves have been started by someone accidentally sitting on a cat.
— Scott Hoad (@ScottHoad) November 15, 2018
61.
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School. pic.twitter.com/X8NdjG6vdY
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) April 13, 2018
62.
co-pilot: don't freak out but one of our engines is on fire
me (first day): why would I freak out I already called the fire department
co-pilot:
me:
co-pilot: what'd they say
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) November 14, 2018
63.
5 years ago today I asked my Twitter crush out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, both times, so here's a random couple from Google… pic.twitter.com/WhVdfZZy0i
— #SayEastLondon (@NeeksQuamina) November 10, 2018
64.
he'll regret that. you're supposed to keep her true lizard name a secret, even in death pic.twitter.com/F8HeEzpWNv
— Cynical Bathtub (@cynical_bathtub) November 13, 2018
65.
https://twitter.com/BeffernieBlack/status/1061790833714831360
66.
Just got all the spice girls autographs pic.twitter.com/rls33bwLUF
— Joe Wilkinson (@gillinghamjoe) November 10, 2018
67.
It's that time of year again, when i can't find any of the seventeen pairs of gloves i bought last year.
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) November 20, 2018
68.
how to make a poached egg:
1. take an egg
2. [indescribable sorcery]
3. you have a poached egg
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) November 18, 2018
69.
My stolen sofa has finally been recovered. Hopefully, the people I took it from won't recognise it now.
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) November 19, 2018
70.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) November 18, 2018
71.
me at 6 y/o: bilingual, genius iq, mentally healthy, able to do math
me at 18 y/o: illiterate, health is nonexistent, and needs a calculator to solve 6+8
— mel (@anemicfatty) April 30, 2018
72.
Unpacked our Nativity scene yesterday. Removed all the Jews, Arabs, and foreigners. Ended up with a jackass and a handful of sheep.
— 🇺🇸🌊🇺🇦🏳️🌈JoeInWV🏳️🌈🇺🇦🌊🇺🇸 (@wvjoe911) November 17, 2018
73.
It’s close to midnight & something evil’s lurking in the dark pic.twitter.com/GJ5X2HRRoL
— trouteyes (@trouteyes) November 19, 2018
74.
i just read something like 'hey you know how long 2018 has been? we had an olympics this year and everybody forgot about it.'
and i just stared off into the distance like
— Premee (@premeesaurus) November 25, 2018
75.
When your mum calls you for dinner but when you get downstairs it’s not even dished up yet. pic.twitter.com/d5vSzfL3cO
— Jesus Tweets You (@JesusTweetsYou) November 28, 2018
76.
Got my kids those new #Brexit advent calendars. Cost twenty times as much as normal ones, the promised chocolate is actually dried manure, and most of the doors are now sealed shut
— Dean Burnett (@garwboy) November 26, 2018
77.
J.R.R. Tolkein's full name is
Jolkein Rolkein Rolkein Tolkein— Matho (@MathoInc) November 26, 2018
78.
There's only one explanation for the rhyme: "What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?" Blake was a Brummie.#WilliamBlake
— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) November 28, 2018
79.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
— I had a good post-Christmas name picked but forgot (@Prof_Hinkley) December 6, 2018
80.
RTE News just now: "The natural historian and broadcaster, Sir David Attenborough has…"
Me: "Oh no, please no"
RTE News: "…said that climate change could lead to the collapse of civilisation."
Me: "Oh, thank God for that"— Ray (@RayMcGrath) December 3, 2018
81.
I threw a tesco receipt on the fire but it flew up the chimney and now Santa will think that I want three peppers, some Quorn pieces and 30m of tinfoil for Christmas
— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) December 5, 2018
82.
At the beginning of 2018 I set myself a goal. When I needed a poo I wouldn't let myself go for another 30 minutes. Every month I increased this time by 15 mins in an attempt to strengthen my sphincter, requiring me to poo less & spend more time with family. I have 3 weeks to live
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) December 20, 2018
83.
https://twitter.com/trojansauce/status/1075779513999548417
84.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Shoots Kleenex
From his ass
Wipe your nose
From his ass
Look out!
Here comes the Spider-Man pic.twitter.com/UvxTmtw8I6— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 20, 2018
85.
According to people from school on Facebook, councils are insisting that all Santa’s are now one legged, lesbian, black, vegan Muslims. How are they going to fit this in as well as running the bbc, getting all the good jobs and stealing benefits?
— Kiri Pr'chard-McLean (@kiripritchardmc) December 17, 2018
86.
Absolute respect for those brave souls braving the Boxing Day sales at this early hour and by “respect” I mean “contempt” and by “brave” I mean “fucking ludicrous”.
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) December 26, 2018
87.
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i'm with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Me: excellent
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you're in a wicker basket
Me: i'm in
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) October 29, 2018
88.
I Got Huge, Babe. https://t.co/brzUi99HVp
— Gary Bainbridge (@Gary_Bainbridge) December 28, 2018
Bonus:
i don’t wanna end the year on bad terms w anyone, so apologize to me
— luis (@ShineMyGold) December 26, 2018
