Simply 88 funny tweets from 2018
The year has felt like it’s lasted at least 27 months, so now it’s almost over, we’ve pulled together a collection of jokes, burns and zingers that made us laugh and nod along the most in 2018. See if your favourites are in here – or if you are. Most of all, just relax for a few minutes and enjoy the list.
Any party is a gender reveal party if you give me enough rum
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 17, 2018
panda: so why are you guys endangered?
rhino: violently hunted by man to the brink of extinction, you?
panda: oh I will only eat one very specific food and I generally can't be bothered to have sex
— joe (@mutablejoe) July 12, 2018
When the boss needs someone to work the weekend pic.twitter.com/6IYgTJQR2l
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) June 24, 2018
— Minnie Driver (@driverminnie) June 22, 2018
Whenever I get blue I just remember that life could be worse: I could be dating someone who makes me film them lifting weights at the gym for social media
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 16, 2018
"STEVE…STEVE…GET ME SOME FAGS AND A CORNETTO" pic.twitter.com/ccLJLxio1a
— Captain Kidd (@kidd_kong78) July 16, 2018
There was a man vaping so hard in the shop doorway just now that when I walked in I found myself saying 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to buy a pint of milk!'.
— cluedont (@cluedont) July 10, 2018
Harry asking me how it felt to win the “Palest Woman In Ireland” competition and whether I legally qualified for ghost status. 🇮🇪 pic.twitter.com/JnKy4eAUNv
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) July 11, 2018
My friends refer to me as a battery because I have a very limited amount of energy and I’m rarely included in things.
— Frankie Zelnick (@phranqueigh) June 22, 2018
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
— blizzy (@BlairAlzuro) June 13, 2018
Your dinner lady name is:
your dads first name
& your dads last name
Because your dads a dinner lady
— Flanny. (@LiamFlannigan1) July 10, 2018
😍 at last pic.twitter.com/DkntAxCySZ
— Peter Crouch (@petercrouch) July 22, 2018
People have told me I'm not very good at comebacks, but I say to them 'No, YOU'RE not very good at comebacks'.
— Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) July 26, 2018
This is forty five bags of spinach pic.twitter.com/EZ6ZOesbAQ
— Annie McGrath (@AnnieMcTweet) July 26, 2018
London, here, reminding me that I can’t even afford to die. pic.twitter.com/UW1clDmEOD
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) July 29, 2018
Journalism secret: each half of a New York Times headline is written by two guys, but neither is allowed to see what the other one has written pic.twitter.com/qD811ddhKb
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) July 31, 2018
Love Enya pic.twitter.com/XJfmm4TdfC
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 1, 2018
My favourite part of medical school was when they taught us the Weird weight loss tip that doctors don’t want you to know about.
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) August 6, 2018
"You're sucking that egg wrong"
— Alex Hannon (@Liffonmelsmork) July 15, 2018
That awkward moment when you can relate to a vending machine. pic.twitter.com/VocHS9UR4e
— Michael Clarke (@Mr_Mike_Clarke) August 6, 2018
Genie: You have two wishes left
Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
— wilson (@MediumWilly) August 7, 2018
Pretty cool how restaurants have those tanks you can leave your crab in while you eat
— Rylie comrie (@ryliecomrie_) August 6, 2018
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
— Lego Joseph Smith (@Mormonger) March 18, 2018
I love the smell of chlorof
— Neil (@_Enanem_) August 9, 2018
These are Keith Richards daughters. When they pass away he will inherit everything. 😜 pic.twitter.com/vpNSxa7N3j
— Allen Marshall (@AllenCMarshall) August 12, 2018
It's weird that ppl interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as "Don't trust strangers" when really it's "Always pay freelancers"
— ❄️Do they know it's Meagan? ❄️ (@meagantrott) August 12, 2018
BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.
COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.
— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) August 11, 2018
Weird direction to take with the sequel and Bullock is almost unrecognisable but love this series pic.twitter.com/royASIwhdy
— Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) August 7, 2018
Turns out Game of Thrones next series is filming in the carpark of the Junction Tavern. pic.twitter.com/UCkSbhKuix
— Ryan Sampson (@MrRyanSampson) August 14, 2018
Give a man a fish… Just give him the fish, asshole. He’s hungry, you’ve got an extra fish. Hand it over, fuckface. He doesn’t have time to go to your shitty “fishing school.” I’m gonna count to 3.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 14, 2018
My money is on the live wolves. pic.twitter.com/ViSw73tpvD
— Gareth Penrose (@garethpenrose) August 11, 2018
*me when I don't bring my phone to the toilet*
Let's see what this shampoo bottle has to say about itself.
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) August 15, 2018
Just gave my name in Starbucks as FIRE. It was hilarious.
— Deborah Orr (@DeborahJaneOrr) August 27, 2018
Some swimming pools these days have a chemical that turns the water brown if you shit in it.
— Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) August 28, 2018
Your manuscript in Word after inserting a figure pic.twitter.com/6aoREMd1Lw
— Sylvain ❄️👨🏻🎓 (@DevilleSy) August 27, 2018
im crying im so happy for them pic.twitter.com/WNxmnQxswY
— lucas (@lostboy) April 2, 2018
“Ed, you shouldn’t get tattoos – think about what they’ll look like when you’re an old man”
True. I often find myself looking at a pensioner and thinking OH WHAT LOVELY SKIN
— Ed Gamble (@EdGambleComedy) August 29, 2018
FAMILY WHATSAPP GOSSIP, one of my sisters announces she is trying acupuncture to help getting pregnant, other sister replies "gonna need a bigger prick!" Mum immediately follows with "see, comedy isn't hard Sara."
— Sara Pascoe (@sarapascoe) August 30, 2018
The Picture Of Dorian Gravytrain pic.twitter.com/o8KPHrnRDk
— Mister Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) August 29, 2018
Da Vinci's "But I didn't have a starter" pic.twitter.com/Fdbih3NlL6
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) August 30, 2018
Worried that I may be seeing a hypnotherapist and don't know it.
— MꙬse Allain (@MooseAllain) September 10, 2018
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
— Fish Bowel (@fishbowel) September 9, 2018