44 absolute crackers to get you into the festive spirit
Whether you’re dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, stuck in a traffic jam in a freezing Uber or sitting in a toilet cubicle at work trying to will home-time to come, these festive jokes might be just what you need to kickstart your Christmas spirit. Just don’t laugh too loud in case the boss hears you.
1.
Even though this will be the second year I’m allowed to say “Merry Christmas” to my wife & son’s, I still get nervous Obama will appear & shoot me with some sort of poison Muslim dart
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 17, 2018
2.
Heard they wrote a Christmas book about your mum. pic.twitter.com/v7QVi3Ze6r
— El Fenner (@lfenner) December 14, 2018
3.
Imagine this guys fear going into work tomorrow after the Christmas night out. pic.twitter.com/ZPWHtyBPxw
— – (@Tam_Selleck) December 16, 2018
4.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) December 17, 2018
5.
Like to think someone decided 'fuck it, I'll have prosecco on my cereal' at this point in their Christmas shopping. pic.twitter.com/nRKWqyVjEJ
— Miriam Mirwitch (@mrwtch) December 16, 2018
6.
Please enjoy my family Christmas photo pic.twitter.com/ctSEQPqaBb
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) December 16, 2018
7.
When you need a Nintendo so bad you don't flinch at sitting on demon Santa because you already told your friends you have one and have nothing left to lose pic.twitter.com/lCrpVS4ABz
— Angie B (@Angibangie) December 16, 2018
8.
Charles Dickens popularised the phrase "Merry Christmas!" in A Christmas Carol. Until then, people had used the phrase "Fuck off!", doffing their hats as they did so – but now, that phrase has a very different meaning!
— David Quantick (@quantick) December 20, 2018
9.
What idiot called it Secret Santa and not a Nondisclosure Clause?
— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) December 16, 2018
10.
”It’s Christmas time
There’s no need to be afraid…”Jacob Rees-Mogg: “Wrong” pic.twitter.com/U7HavrnAyO
— The Poke (@ThePoke) December 17, 2018
11.
This years Christmas outfit pic.twitter.com/MibJwW8eRx
— Jim Moir (@JamesMoir10) December 17, 2018
12.
Me: "I know it's Christmas, but I need to watch what I eat. Don't want to overdo it."
Also me: pic.twitter.com/FdA4V5iAU0
— Simon Pegg (@Simon_Pegg) December 19, 2018
13.
Ghost of Christmas past: this is you at 5, just loving life
Ghost of Christmas present: this is you at 35. You don't hate everything
Ghost of Christmas future: the ocean is dry. Everything is burning.
— Llama In An Ugly Christmas Sweater (@LlamaInaTux) December 19, 2018
14.
Boots on Christmas Eve pic.twitter.com/JIsH0PYkSZ
— Ireland Simpsons Fans (@iresimpsonsfans) December 19, 2018
15.
I hate when people ask me if I'm all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I'm not even ready for today.
— Christina Marie (@cmstetz13) December 17, 2018
16.
I just hope Santa earns more than £30K otherwise this government’s just not going to let him in in the future.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) December 19, 2018
17.
More bad news for Theresa May as Santa Claus confirms he’s received 48 letters asking for a new prime minister.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) December 18, 2018
18.
Santa if you are on twitter fxxxing get me this !!!!!!!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/0RPR9GthCz
— Joe Wilkinson (@gillinghamjoe) December 18, 2018
19.
– I’ve bought my wife an electric guitar for Christmas.
– A fender?
– Probably, she wants an iPad.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) December 18, 2018
20.
[trailer voice]
He’s a piece of cheese turned into a man by an enchanted Mayan pot.
She’s a bewildered cat transformed into a woman by a spell from an evil wizard.
Together they’re gonna blow Christmas apart!
Wensleydale & Mrs Meow Meow
Thursdays on Fox pic.twitter.com/TAtK5DNu50— joe heenan (@joeheenan) December 19, 2018
21.
https://twitter.com/house_feminist/status/1075087871822839809
22.
Tis the season to run around spending money you don't have for people who don't need anything and who now feel obliged to return the favour, falalalala la la la la
— HuMMingBird (@Birdhumms) December 19, 2018
