25 of this week’s greatest jokes
Theresa May has had a hell of a week – she cancelled the meaningful vote because she knew she’d lose it, got stuck in her car with Angela Merkel watching and won a vote of confidence by promising to leave before the next general election. She could probably do with reading these tweets to put a bit of a smile on her face – it’s not our fault if she doesn’t know what’s good for her.
1.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too. pic.twitter.com/4jr8lEsiIs
— Jason (@NickMotown) December 8, 2018
2.
Things we hate:
Racism
Slavery
Sexism
People who put antlers on cars
Mayonnaise— your mom (@bngzyface) December 9, 2018
3.
I’ve never seen two spiders fighting, so I have concluded that even spiders are scared of spiders.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) December 10, 2018
4.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 12, 2018
5.
Last Christmas
I gave you some eels
And the very next day
You were killed by those eels— Yacht Rocker (@economybacon) December 12, 2018
6.
A good way to untangle strings of Christmas lights is to soak them for several hours in bitter tears of rage and frustration.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) December 8, 2018
7.
ME: computer; what is my Jeans Number please
COMPUTER: your jeans number is 5. the ultimate compromise of durability & comfort
ME: (Smiling)— wint (@dril) December 13, 2018
8.
You had meat
"hello" pic.twitter.com/SbhvLkro4O— Robert Shaw (@hungoverdrawn) December 8, 2018
9.
Me after me eat cookie: https://t.co/hLyensxQX8
— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) December 11, 2018
10.
Anyone else’s mum pull out an imaginary medical degree the second they say they’ve got something wrong with them ??? arm could be falling off and she’ll pipe up “that’ll be cause you’re up all hours on that phone and don’t sleep, or cause you’re never in, or eat properly” eh what
— neve (@nevesimpson) December 12, 2018
11.
Spelling bee judge: your word is “Steve”
Barista: oh no
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) December 11, 2018
12.
https://twitter.com/craiguito/status/940929680319926273
