Brits are trolling the NY Times after it asked about petty crime in London and it’s glorious
Well, here’s an unexpected thing of beauty after the New York Times put a request out to ask people about petty crimes they had experienced in London.
It said levels of violent crime were rising in the capital and it was keen to find out how police dealt with less important offences.
Have you experienced a petty crime in London? Click to tell us your story.
(Your submission may be selected for publication.) https://t.co/MRvmXdlYC8
— The New York Times (@nytimes) December 13, 2018
And the replies were just wonderful. Here are our favourites.
someone accidentally touched my hand on the Tube. They received 15 years in the workhouse.
— Alan White (@aljwhite) December 13, 2018
bloomin chimney sweep pinched me petticoat, the cheeky sod. #PettyCrime
— chris o’dowd (@BigBoyler) December 13, 2018
My gentleman’s gentleman was accosted by some young hooligans outside my club. “I say, those are some rum plus-fours, old chap,” they said. He was terribly shaken and had to take a half holiday. I had to pour my own pink gin this morning
— Tom Chivers (@TomChivers) December 13, 2018
Once, in Wandsworth, this geezer comes up to me bold as brass and he says to me he says “a word in your lughole me old cunt, there’s a bird down the boozer wants a good bonking” and he only went and knicked me trousers right off me legs, appalled I was.
— joe (@mutablejoe) December 13, 2018
A man in Lidl took the last croissant and I said “oh you’ve taken the last croissant” and laughed and then he offered it to me and I said “oh no I couldn’t possibly” so I got a Danish pastry but I really wanted the crossiant and I’m still upset that he didn’t force the issue.
— Bella Mackie (@bellamackie) December 13, 2018
First they filmed Notting Hill in my street with the result that Japanese tourists clutter up the pavement and now they’re in middle of doing Four Weddings for telly so I am going to have to take out a restraining order on Richard Curtis
— Rachel Johnson (@RachelSJohnson) December 13, 2018
I once saw someone pee on the offside wheel of a havkney carriage who *wasn’t* a Chelsea Pensioner. Disgraceful. Fortunately there was a fainting couch nearby.
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) December 13, 2018
I was once offered £4 a week to copy passages out of the Encyclopedia Brittannica. It transpired that the whole business was a ruse by a criminal gang to get me out of my shop so they could rob the bank next door! Fortunately I contacted a noted detective and he foiled them.
— Will Wiles (@WillWiles) December 13, 2018
When I worked in London someone pushed in front of me in a queue.
— Rabbitlady (@Peta_Moxon) December 13, 2018
I witnessed a woman not smiling at a guide dog on the tube this July. Netflix has commissioned a £300m documentary to track her down and have her convicted.
— Ferdinand Kingsley (@ferdosnandos) December 13, 2018
Nice newspaper, guv. Shame if something happened to it.
— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) December 13, 2018
One of the ravens in the Tower of London kept following me around when I visited – really scary.
— Marna (@m_a_r_n_a_) December 13, 2018
Someone held the door open for me when I was still ten feet away and then I had to run and pretend I was grateful. I was sweaty and fuming
— Harriet Marsden (@harriet1marsden) December 13, 2018
Someone once bumped into me and didn’t apologise profusely.
— Gianfranco Dombrowski (@TheBerserker5) December 13, 2018
A US news outlet approached me out of the blue and convinced me to £8 a month for a subscription but the way it covers the UK can often seem a bit weird.
— Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) December 13, 2018