The 25 funniest jokes of the week

This week saw Tory MPs posing with broad smiles at food banks, Piers Morgan getting owned – again – by Gary Lineker and PETA telling us to start saying “Bringing home the bagel“, rather than “bacon”, to make our language more respectful of animals. It’s a funny old world, which is why we’ve ended up with these 25 absolute gems.

1.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 3, 2018

2.

I threw a tesco receipt on the fire but it flew up the chimney and now Santa will think that I want three peppers, some Quorn pieces and 30m of tinfoil for Christmas

— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) December 5, 2018

3.

Just seen some spurious list of the top 20 Hardest Working Comics in the UK. And I wasn’t on it. Imagine how good I will be once I put a bit of effort in.

— Henning Wehn (@henningwehn) December 5, 2018

4.

Been working on a portrait of Gregg Wallace these last few weeks, and finally put the finishing touches to it tonight. I think it was worth all the hours I put in. pic.twitter.com/r7nGwSjncb

— Ice_Crystal ❄ (@ice_crystal) December 4, 2018

5.

David Attenborough:
who likes puppies?

Audience:
we like puppies

Attenborough:
I said who likes puppies?

Audience:
WE LIKE PUPPIES

Attenborough:
So do fucking crocodiles, puppy is dead

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 2, 2018

6.

As sacked vegan sues for discrimination in landmark case, bosses say he kept demanding a bigger celery.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) December 3, 2018

7.

so called "PC" culture has ruined entertainment. can u imagine beloved character "Racism Man" existing today? surely not. theyd have to change his name to "Avocados Man"

— DVS (@DVSblast) December 2, 2018

8.

Not clear if this is by, or about, Boris Johnson pic.twitter.com/XP0v3cewFo

— Matt Chorley (@MattChorley) December 2, 2018

9.

Hillary was wrong to call Trump's supporters a basket of deplorables. she should have called them a fucktangle of shitweasels

— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) December 2, 2018

10.

RTE News just now: "The natural historian and broadcaster, Sir David Attenborough has…"
Me: "Oh no, please no"
RTE News: "…said that climate change could lead to the collapse of civilisation."
Me: "Oh, thank God for that"

— Ray (@RayMcGrath) December 3, 2018

11.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 2, 2018

12.

https://twitter.com/HansGrubertron/status/1069732245290676225