Just 19 more “shit jokes” to make you laugh because laughing is better than crying
So @ShitJokes on Twitter does exactly what it says on the tin. It shares shit jokes.
But some of them are also really rather funny, and here are a few of our recent favourites…
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I’m a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face.
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV?
Because of the telly ban.
My grief counsellor died the other day…
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
My Granddad just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, “Who’s this?”
My Granddad said, “He’s my hip replacement.”
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words.
“Stop shaking the ladder you little twat.”
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret?”
By previously legalising same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.”
A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night: day.
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I went into the cake shop earlier, bloke said “all cakes £1.”
I said “Can I get that one?”
“£2.” He replied.
“£2?” I asked.
He said “aye, that’s Madeira cake.”
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit.”
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer…
I had a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night.
You should’ve seen her face!
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
And here’s our previous round-up of Shit Jokes