Just 19 more “shit jokes” to make you laugh because laughing is better than crying

So @ShitJokes on Twitter does exactly what it says on the tin. It shares shit jokes.

But some of them are also really rather funny, and here are a few of our recent favourites…

 

 

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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I’m a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

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Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV?

Because of the telly ban.

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My grief counsellor died the other day…

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

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My Granddad just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I asked, “Who’s this?”

My Granddad said, “He’s my hip replacement.”

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I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea.

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I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words.

“Stop shaking the ladder you little twat.”

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Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said “Is that a fret?”

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By previously legalising same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.”

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A weasel walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.

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My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

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Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…

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I went into the cake shop earlier, bloke said “all cakes £1.”

I said “Can I get that one?”

“£2.” He replied.

“£2?” I asked.

He said “aye, that’s Madeira cake.”

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a guy hiding behind a gravestone.

I said “Morning.”

He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

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A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer…

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I had a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night.

Everyone came.

You should’ve seen her face!

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Knock knock…

Who’s there?

Grandad.

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

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And here’s our previous round-up of Shit Jokes

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