The 25 funniest jokes you’ll read this week
13.
Greetings card idea: 'Your baby puts the 'ew' in 'newborn'.
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) September 18, 2018
14.
A neat trick to help you remember the difference between "philately" & "fellatio" is to get yourself arrested at a stamp-collecting convention for gross indecency.
— 🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) September 19, 2018
15.
I asked the vet if I could feed our puppy chocolate? she said no… anyway that was a month ago, Chocolate’s dead now.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) September 18, 2018
16.
[at the beach]
girl: come in, the water is fine
me: no it's not
girl: what?
me: *very serious voice* rising sea levels, decline of marine life, ocean acidification and disruption of ocean currents are not “fine” amanda
— cory (@_coryrichardson) September 19, 2018
17.
Son: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
Me: Hang on a sec. *googles* By 285 AD, the Roman Empire had grown so vast that it was no longer feasible to govern all the provinces from the central seat of Rome. The Emperor Diocletian divided the…
Son: [sadly] With some Caesars.— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) September 19, 2018
18.
A new doctor who trailer AND a captain marvel trailer? What about trailers with MEN IN THEM. We've only been represented in EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME FOREVER, and this week PROVES that we are BEING ERASED.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 20, 2018
19.
My favorite part of hiking in the woods is when you do run across other people, we all have to pretend like we’re not murderers.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) September 19, 2018
20.
Brussels latest pic.twitter.com/fj3jup6CLy
— Al Murray (@almurray) September 20, 2018
21.
55 today! Happy birthday Jarvis Cocker. pic.twitter.com/69kw6PSYFK
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) September 19, 2018
22.
I won’t worry about a robot replacing me at work until they build a lazy, careless robot.
— Ben (@0point5twins) September 20, 2018
23.
We live in a society where it's perfectly normal to shave off your eyebrows then tattoo them back on so yes Deidre I can believe how expensive eggs are these days
— Chris Purchase (@ChrisPurchase) September 18, 2018
24.
A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 20, 2018
25.
Shout out to Storm Ali – risking nothing in this hyper sensitive climate and taking Ireland's 1921 partition lines to the letter. pic.twitter.com/K8NFTYpI8x
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) September 19, 2018
Don’t forget to tell us if we’ve missed a good one.
