The 25 funniest jokes you’ll read this week
Does anybody else think this week had five Mondays? Maybe it just seemed like that to me, but probably also to Theresa May, who saw her beloved Chequers Plan held up as the comedy relief by the EU – but with less laughter. This week also saw Hurricane Ali strike the UK and Ireland and Vince Cable compared Brexit to an “erotic spasm of fundamentalists”. If you can stop shuddering for long enough, these 25 jokes will eclipse the bad and disturbing headlines and put a smile on your face – albeit briefly.
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 21, 2018
I don’t think the 5 second rule applies to this… pic.twitter.com/A27X9UEVfs
— Sunshine☀️ (@Farmlvngirl) September 15, 2018
Throwing a hot frying pan into a cold sink makes me feel like a blacksmith.
— Jonesy (@NotThatJonesy) September 15, 2018
My daughter has been browsing through the job ads in Beijing. We are hoping this is just a typo… pic.twitter.com/thJSC2JW52
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 16, 2018
Good news is I'm learning not to say "fuck off" to Americans as it seems to be about 10 times more offensive to them than to people from any other English speaking country.
— Jemaine Clement (@AJemaineClement) September 17, 2018
JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
— Crispy Zebra (@zebra_crispy) September 16, 2018
Mary Poppins Returns
Mary Poppins Forever
Mary Poppins and Robin
Mary Poppins Begins
The Flying Nanny
The Flying Nanny Rises
Mary Poppins v. Nanny McPhee: Dawn of Justice
— Willoughby Dobbs (@WilloughbyDobbs) September 17, 2018
Today in "women literally can't win" news pic.twitter.com/n4ZbcExBnO
— Declan Cashin Big Dec Energy (@Tweet_Dec) September 18, 2018
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 17, 2018
People who sit in the front room at night with the big light on and curtains open are psychopaths
— Sarah W (@idlewildgirl) September 15, 2018
I think it's sweet that Stormy Daniel's first pet was called Stormy.
— MꙬse Allain (@MooseAllain) September 19, 2018
In my whole life I have got the milk to porridge ratio correct twice.
— Romesh Ranganathan (@RomeshRanga) September 19, 2018