These 22 ‘not quite right’ jokes are even better than the correct versions
A friend once drunkenly tried to tell me his favourite joke about the Russian fizzy pop salesman (Dropabottleofpopov) but it became ‘Canyoudropsomepoproundforus’. Still makes me chuckle.
— Andy Harris (@hitmanharris) September 14, 2018
I once asked a colleague if she liked seafood while I was chewing up a biscuit. When she said yes, I opened my mouth wide and said ‘See? Food!’ – Juvenile and gross, but very funny.
She laughed, took a biscuit, turned to another colleague and said ‘Hey, do you like fish?’
— Dave Higgins (@MyNameIsMisterH) September 14, 2018
Years ago a friend me told the joke “what’s red and goes up and down in a lift …a tomato” instead of “what’s red and goes up and down …a tomato in a lift” The wrong joke was so much funnier!
— Gray ️ (@grayamyam) September 14, 2018
I told my mum (a teacher) a classic The Office joke: “What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs”
Oh, we laughed. But it didn’t quite get the same reception when she asked her class “what does E.T. stand for?”
— ♨ (@peterstirrup) September 14, 2018
Ex boss once told a joke whose punchline was “Artie chokes 2 for a pound in Asda”, which depended on naming the character “Artie”. He started it off by saying “this bloke called Bert…” His dawning realisation as he approached the punchline was joyous to behold!
— Sarah (@sarah_m100) September 14, 2018
My Dad’s favourite joke is:
“How do you get a parrot to Speke?” which is a suburb of Liverpool
“Stick him on the number 82 bus”
My wife tells it as “How do you get a parrot to talk?” which I much prefer
— Warren Greene (@WarrenGreene) September 14, 2018
Remember the old jokes about books with aptly named authors? ‘Nail on the Bannister’ by Major Bumsore etc. Confused wife retold years later with new author ‘Ripped My Arse off’
— Stevie H (@steviehastie) September 14, 2018
I once heard, “What do you call a man with three bits of wood on his head?” … “John Woodvine.” I met him subsequently in the bar at the Hampstead Theatre and couldn’t stop grinning every time I imagined three logs on his head. I never met Edward Woodward though… sadly.
— Rhydd Pugh (@Rhyddian) September 14, 2018
My mate always got the classic ‘How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts’ joke wrong. ‘What filling does Bob Marley have in his donuts’ just doesn’t work as well….
— Jack Beadle (@jackbeadle) September 14, 2018
My Aunt did a similar thing whilst telling an elaborate pun. Central theme being no one had the heart to kill a moustachioed trout for a meal. The punchline? “Hans who does dishes is as soft as Gervais, with my green hairy lipped…OH! I meant squid!!!”
— Dompots (@nffcbadger) September 14, 2018
I don’t think anyone has posted the story about Thatcher, whose speechwiters lined up a big Moses gag that ended with the line “Keep taking the tablets”. Which she produced as “Keep taking the pills” to stony silence from the audience.
— Count Mysterioso (@MysteriosoX) September 14, 2018
Someone shared an anecdote about a similar mistake, which didn’t involve a joke – not a deliberate one, anyway.
My wife used to say: “When you assume something, you make an ass out of you and I”.
One day she asked me why I always giggled when she said it… And then she hit me!
— Peter Shilton (@PeterShilton6) September 14, 2018