People have been sharing the most ‘artfully constructed disses’ and you’ll never be short of an insult again
It started when the great @shockproofbeats shared this wonderful insult he heard when he was a kid and asked people for more of the same.
When I was 8 a woman on the bus – to whom I'd said NOTHING – told me her husband was so selfish, "the cunt would peel an orange in his pocket".
So TWITTER – what's an artfully constructed diss you've heard once and never forgotten? (No 'cockwomble' or 'piss-trumpet' stuff plz).
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 13, 2018
And fortunately for us lots of people got in touch and their responses were were some of the most inventive takedowns you’ll see.
1.
My gran about an unpleasant couple. “Ah well, at least they won’t spoil two homes.”
— Andromeda (@andromedababe) August 13, 2018
2.
As a follow-up to the above, my dear pal @Tron_athon told me his dad was known to say, of a miserly fellow, “if he found a plaster, he’d cut himself”.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 13, 2018
3.
I was a painfully skinny teen and my grandfather once greeted my arrival with: “the door opened and nobody came in”. When I went through my all-Black goth phase he described me as looking like “Johnny Cash’s walking stick”.
— Neal Davies (@thedavies) August 13, 2018
4.
A colleague once described someone as “a hard man to ignore but well worth the effort.” The same person also described someone as “ deeply avoidable “.
— The leather belts. (@bunglesfinger1) August 13, 2018
5.
My mate used to say his mate was that tight he’d turn the gas off when he turned the bacon over.
— tony regan (@tonyreorushy) August 13, 2018
6.
Oh, I’ve remembered another one; my aunt described a particularly amorous young man she had known growing up in Fermanagh; “He’d have got up on himself if he could turn quick enough”
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 13, 2018
7.
I believe someone once described Sam Allerdyce as “someone unafraid to eat crisps on the toilet”.
— Michael Grey (@Mikes005) August 13, 2018
8.
I believe the exact quote was “sat what you want about Allardyce, but there’s a man who’s not afraid to eat a packet of crisps while he’s having a shite”
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 13, 2018
9.
My mates dad, to his son, “You’ve been educated beyond your capabilites”. . .
— Frank_Bough (@frank_bough) August 13, 2018
10.
Of someone dressed too young for their age: “Mutton dressed as lamb.” And of someone in too-tight clothing: “She looked like eight pounds of sausage in three pounds of casing.”
— 🇨🇦 ronniecat 🇨🇺 (@ronniecat) August 13, 2018
11.
Of the availability of single men in remote northern locales: The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
— Kitty Maurey (@locavoraciousNB) August 13, 2018
12.
My great gran used to say ‘it’s not his fault his ugly, but he could have stayed in’.
— Andrew King (@AndyKingNA) August 13, 2018
13.
I worked in retail and a colleague said of our (terrible) boss “you know, he’s the kid of guy I couldn’t just stab once”.
— Matt McSherry (@mcsherry_matt) August 13, 2018
14.
P.G. woodhouse’s description ‘he looked like he’d been poured into his suit and forgotten to say when’
— Dr Anders Ingram (@DrAndersIngram) August 13, 2018
15.
My friend Iain once described someone as ‘an inappropriate carbon store’, which is a fairly devastating science burn
— Kirsty Rolfe (@avoiding_bears) August 13, 2018
16.
Noel Gallagher on Liam Gallagher’s being angry as “a man with a fork in a world of soup”
— Matthew Parsfield (@MParsfield) August 13, 2018
17.
One of my mates got triple glazing and my brother said “He’s so tight, he didn’t just do it to save on the heating bills, it’s also so the kids don’t hear the ice cream van”.
— BigC1874 (@BigC1874) August 13, 2018
