Our 25 favourite tweets of the week
panda: so why are you guys endangered?
rhino: violently hunted by man to the brink of extinction, you?
panda: oh I will only eat one very specific food and I generally can't be bothered to have sex
— joe (@mutablejoe) July 12, 2018
I hope Prince Edward one day publishes his memoirs about his fortnight in the marines 'cos judging by his medals it was bloody eventful. pic.twitter.com/T6ds7ta2lu
— Peter Smith (@Redpeter99) July 10, 2018
ME: I'm sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on twitter
WIFE: *spoon-feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a huge penis
— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) July 12, 2018
Missing my ministerial car, I had to take a taxi to parliament this morning. It turns out leaving the Cabinet means I don't get exactly the same benefits as being in it.
— David Davis (@David_Davis_UK) July 10, 2018
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
— Leanna Renee (@leannuh_renay) July 10, 2018
— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) March 2, 2016
BEST USES FOR A GUITAR
4. Learn to play it
3. Store snacks in the hollow bit
2. Disguise yourself as a guitarist, infiltrate a band you suspect to be a front for a criminal gang and bring them to justice
1. Annoy your enemies by playing mediocre versions of their favourite songs
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) July 12, 2018
Once this celebrity replied to a tweet of mine with 'Ha!' and when I arrived at their home with a share bag of Minstrels, they were all aloof.
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) July 12, 2018
If there's something strange in you neighbourhood. Who you gonna call?
If there's something weird and it don't look good. Who you gonna call?
If you're seeing things running through your head? Who you gonna call?
— Rob Manuel (@robmanuel) July 12, 2018
How Foam is it? pic.twitter.com/5eqVXKik5A
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) July 13, 2018
Your dinner lady name is:
your dads first name
& your dads last name
Because your dads a dinner lady
— Flanny™ (@LiamFlannigan1) July 10, 2018
Told my son this Lowry painting was a Where’s Wally?
He’s been standing there for 15 minutes trying to find him pic.twitter.com/Zn1P5h6IcI
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 12, 2018
We may not have the World Cup to unite us as a country anymore but, remember, we do still have Trump’s visit to unite us again. This time in snark, cynicism and loathing, which, to be honest, we’re bloody great at.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) July 11, 2018
Send us your favourites so we can keep our minds off reality for even longer.