This dad helped out on his kid’s school trip and it’s a hilarious tale of why that’s never a good idea
52.
“SIR! If we swapped the engine in this coach with a Bugatti Veyron would we get there quicker?”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
53.
We’re stopped in traffic by Sherlock Holmes/Beatles museum and some other little fucker has honked because a whiff of parmesan is wafting down the coach
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
54.
Join me next Monday for more LOLS when I’ll be mentally reliving this journey by stapling my bollocks to the lawn using croquet hoops
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
55.
WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP?
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
56.
Fuck off pic.twitter.com/M0dCY7qaXO
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
57.
For fucks bastarding SAKE. pic.twitter.com/sYotZCYWyn
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
58.
Go on a school trip they said. Volunteer they said. IT’LL BE FUN THEY SAID pic.twitter.com/fegyy3dt0J
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
59.
We’re nearly at The Science Museum
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
60.
*waves at Florin Raduciou* pic.twitter.com/YGarVT3dsF
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
61.
We’re still on the coach by Princes Gate
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
62.
Royal Albert Hall. Still on the coach
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
63.
“YES. YES, MICHAEL! WE ARE NEARLY FUCKING THERE NOW!”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
64.
We’ve just parked up and one of my group has been sick. Absolutely textbook
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
65.
We’re off the coach
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
66.
I have seven of these things to look after
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
67.
Nobody needs the toilet now
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
68.
“Is it lunchtime yet?”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
69.
We are IN
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
70.
Jesus CHRIST. Just walked three flights of stairs with 60 ten year olds and it was like being back in The Army
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
71.
KEEP GOING. NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
72.
We have managed to get all the kids to Wonderlab without any dying on the stairs
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
73.
Alternatively, watch time freeze by getting on a fucking coach with sixty 10 year olds pic.twitter.com/nt7YDUVKLR
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
74.
Its absolute carnage inside here
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
75.
Fucks sake. I’ve lost one
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
76.
GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWAT
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
77.
Somebody kill me please
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
78.
ITS JUST NOISE AND FUCKERY pic.twitter.com/Azxy8EX63R
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
79.
You can learn a lot at the Science Museum. I’ve learnt that the collective name for a group of ten yearbook olds is a ‘twat-hive’
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
80.
There’s a group of really posh kids in straw hats here. This won’t end well
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
81.
Updated Ear Piss:
I’m hungry
I’m thirsty
If I fell from here would I die?
I forgot my lunch
Sometimes when I poo there’s peanuts in itFML
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
82.
We’ve stopped for lunch. Halfway there.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
83.
The kids that ate their lunches at 8am are all staring at the kids that didn’t like Labradors
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
84.
Straw hat school has little buckle up F&M hampers! Our kids are hoovering up Monster Munch like we’re in some sort of Jamie Oliver asphixiwank nightmare
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
85.
OMG I have been sent to take my seven to the GIFT SHOP
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
86.
Seven ten year olds in a gift shop is like a really shit hybrid version of The Crystal Maze and fucking Die Hard
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
87.
In an added layer of fuckery they all buying slime and putty because of course they are
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
88.
Two of my group in tears because their feet hurt
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
89.
THEY DIDN’T HURT IN THE FUCKING GIFT SHOP
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
90.
I’m not going to lie Twitter. I’m at my breaking threshhold.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
91.
If someone from ISIS ran in here now with a suicide vest I’d run over and cuddle the cunt.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
92.
TAKE ME FIRST
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
93.
Still, at least we have another exhibit and a two hour coach home to look forward to *sideways glance to camera*
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
94.
My own daughter is laughing maniacally whenever I catch her eye
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
95.
She can find somewhere to live when we get home
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
96.
Walking to the coach the unmistakable smell of marijuana drifts over our group
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
97.
I’ve told them its from the Butterfly exhibition at the Natural History Museum
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
98.
“DO BUTTERFLIES SMOKE GANJA THEN SIR?”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
99.
Fuck. My. Actual. LIFE.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
100.
Teachers and Teaching assistants. You have my utmost respect. I have witnessed and experienced a huge amount of fuckery today
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
101.
TEXT FROM WIFE pic.twitter.com/mak5J22ytW
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
102.
WE’RE BACK ON THE COACH
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
103.
I’ll pay £1,000 for anyone to bring me a gingerbread latte pic.twitter.com/E84cPWH4Ao
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
104.
Genuinely thought they’d all be ballbagged and want to go to sleep. Not a chance
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
105.
Multiple parents texting now asking “If the coach will be back in Harlow at 3:30 as planned”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
106.
Just sent “Will it fucking bollocks, we’re still in Knightsbridge” as a reply
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
107.
Updated Ear Piss:
My Dad’s been in space
My front bottom is itchy (WTF?)
I’ve run out of drink
I feel sick
Are we nearly home yet?
I’ve left my jumper near the rocket— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
108.
‘My Dad’s been in space’ lols
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
109.
The best thing about today? They learned NOTHING at the science museum. Nothing. It was the educational equivalent of giving a chimpanzee a fucking Macbook Air
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
110.
One of the little fuckers has started a game of “I Spy”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
111.
And 15:29 is the time to mark on your wallcharts for “Coach Vomit Pt.II”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
112.
OH MY GOD ITS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE FLY. GET ME ANOTHER BAG
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
113.
Fuck this. Fuck this whole day. pic.twitter.com/CnaPnQOqHN
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
114.
This last batch of puking has set off some sort of chain reaction and more children are now puking and lots more crying
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
115.
It’s just a coach of vomit, farts and ear piss. The great news is we’ve only made it as far as Cricklewood so I have at least an hour left on the Parmesan Express
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
116.
I’m self-employed. The realisation has hit me that today is actually fucking costing me money to be spewed on
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
117.
Not one of these little spunkers has fallen asleep
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
118.
Finally on the M25
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
119.
My book remains untouched.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
120.
A repugnant eggy smell has filled the entire coach.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
121.
I’m just praying for a heart attack now. Anything that would render me unconscious
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
122.
“SIR DO YOU HAVE PUBES”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
123.
That’s it. I’m done
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
124.
I’m never doing this again. I’m shoving my own kid on eBay as soon as we get home
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
125.
I CAN SEE SIGNS FOR THE M11 pic.twitter.com/Yvo9zOkObu
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
126.
We’re coming back into Harlow. Fifteen more minutes of this left
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
127.
Never again. Never, ever again.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
128.
White noise. We’re at the ‘waving at lorry drivers and whooping’ stage
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
129.
We’re back. I made it
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
130.
Thank you all for your support. I couldn’t have done it without you all.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
131.
I’m fucking framing this. FIN. pic.twitter.com/fXSN72kTyL
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
And here’s what people made of it online.
I’ve been there many a time . My favourite was when a group of girls lost their minds & had crying and hysterics about 100 yr old stuffed animals . I was about to say FFS very loudly when a dad of daughters rescued me #mumofboys
— Saint Disgustine (@Phoenixhollis) 21 May 2018
Read this entire thread (by a field trip chaperone) if you ever thought teachers didn’t deserve to higher pay.
— Bonnie (@collagecandy) 21 May 2018
Best thread about school trips ever. Sums up my 35 years of these things
— Phil Gundy (@philg42) 21 May 2018
Simon, you're a star. You've just made my day.
And as a dad of a twelve year old, I have to ask: what did you think it was going to be like? There's a reason I work 5 days a week, you know.
— SNPWatch (@snpwatch) 21 May 2018
You brought a book?! I’m crying laughing at this. Bloody brilliant.
— HazyGray (@HazyGray) 21 May 2018
I need a male adult for a KS3 trip to the Rhineland. Leaves 0345, 9/7. 16 hrs to get there. Out on coach every day. 40 kids. You in?
— Tim (@tim_nobes) 21 May 2018
