This dad helped out on his kid’s school trip and it’s a hilarious tale of why that’s never a good idea
Here’s a chap called Simon Smith who thought he’d do the decent thing by helping out on his daughter’s school trip to the Science Museum.
Next time he’s invited he might hesitate to accept. Here’s why.
1.
8:40am. I’ve signed a risk assessment and promised not to take any photos. WE’RE GOING TO THE SCIENCE MUSEUM
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
2.
8:47am. The children are all being sent to the toilet before we get on the coach. Apparently none of them need to go.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
3.
I have six children in my group. One of the boys has just called me ‘Bruv’ pic.twitter.com/1IiXGirIuU
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
4.
We are boarding the coach. There is so much noise
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
5.
Ah. Coach seats all have seatbelts now. This is causing an unprecedented amount of fuckery
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
6.
I’ve been seated next to ‘Bruv’ he’s just announced he’s prone to travel sickness
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
7.
WE ARE OFF!
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
8.
The sound of 57 lunchboxes opening simultaneously is quite something
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
9.
We’ve traveled half a mile. Three children need the toilet
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
10.
One mile in. Most of the lunches have gone and approximately 30% of the people on this coach need the toilet
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
11.
We’re not on the motorway yet
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
12.
A barrage of ear-piss now about Fortnite, coach crashes, and the new PS5 console coming out in September for FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
13.
We’re coming down onto the motorway. The only food left on the bus belongs to the adults
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
14.
I’ve just been asked if any of the men that went to the moon with Armstrong and Aldrin “Still live there?”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
15.
I wish I fucking lived there
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
16.
Its just constant ear-piss
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
17.
The boys have moved onto talking about football
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
18.
Farts. Farts are occurring.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
19.
OH MY GOD WHAT ON EARTH ARE THESE BOYS EATING
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
20.
We’re not even a third of the way into this journey and I’m ready to kick out a window and hurl myself onto the M25
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
21.
Just been issued this for ‘Bruv’ pic.twitter.com/9g6OSMOMX1
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
22.
I’m not surprised Bruv is feeling a bit peaky. I’ve just watched him practically inhale 2000 calories in 90 seconds
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
23.
He’s sitting next to me because of course he is
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
24.
Nobody has been sick yet.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
25.
More farts. Blame is being opportioned to one boy by the whole year group
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
26.
If this rancid smell is the work of one boy then wow. Its like a medieval mortuary
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
27.
Crying now. One girl is crying because of the smell
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
28.
And because she wants her Mum.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
29.
My own daughter just made eye contact. It was sinister. Almost sure she just mouthed “You absolute mug” at me
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
30.
Another girl is now crying. Reasons unknown but she is in my group so I am expected to deal with it
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
31.
She wants her Mum.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
32.
One of the lady teachers is coming to rescue me.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
33.
I actually brought my book for this journey
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
34.
I’m fast learning that ten year olds get all their information from YouTube and quite a lot of it is bollocks
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
35.
Its all bollocks
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
36.
We’re back onto football. Just been asked what team I support
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
37.
I have reluctantly told them
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
38.
Yep. I knew it. Mass derision, pointing and laughing, the glory-hunting little wankers.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
39.
We’ve just reached Stirling Corner so still have about an hour on this coach To Kensington by my reckoning
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
40.
SOMEONE HAS BEEN SICK
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
41.
Its not a code red as it hasn’t happened in my section and it appeared to be into a bucket so no drama just yet
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
42.
Who had 10:14am in our ‘Blowing Chunks’ sweepstake?
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
43.
Its not ‘The Queen’s House’ its fucking Paddy Power.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
44.
A relentless cacophony of ‘Are we nearly there yet?’
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
45.
No. No we fucking aren’t
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
46.
If I look out the window maybe I could ignore them
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
47.
For actual fucks sake pic.twitter.com/4OLnxu8TMt
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
48.
What have I done?
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
49.
Current Ear Piss:
Are we nearly there yet?
Does the Queen live here (Every big building)
Why isn’t everyone rich?
My Dad met that Nirvana man once
Why is there so many people?
Are we nearly there yet?
I feel sick
Is everyone here in the Royal Family?
West Ham are rubbish— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
50.
The kids have just spotted a McDonalds in Swiss Cottage and a mass cheer has erupted. They’ve lost their fucking minds
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
51.
“No. No we’re not nearly there yet” pic.twitter.com/jz8F2GIEOS
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018
