This guy reviewed all 12 of these coffees he found in Lidl and it’s a truly Herculean task
A chap called Nate Crowley took on the unenviable task of reviewing all 12 of the sachets of instant coffee he found in Lidl.
Not only that, he did it with a Herculean twist.
In this thread I will be gradually reviewing these flavoured coffees I just found in lidl (which i suspect are basically fart powder), and then comparing each to one of the 12 labours of Hercules. pic.twitter.com/yOAbXZOC1k
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
And the good news is, it leaves a better taste in the mouth than some of the coffee he had to drink.
1.
Going by the same logic that dictates you should immediately punch the hardest man in prison, I started with this disaster. Would’ve been ace if it wasn’t a mix of mint choc flavour & shit instant coffee, but it was that, so it was shite. Like pine needles in ashtray water. 2/10 pic.twitter.com/WNrlczVTqW
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
LABOUR OF HERCULES: Nemean Lion
Much like Herc, I overcame my 1st labour with a mix of tenacity & gargantuan strength. Unlike the big man himself, I won’t wear the skin of this enemy, but I hope an early exposure to something so rancid will armour me against the rest of my foes.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
Ok the metaphor is really holding. Hercules spent ages trying to skin the lion because it had an impenetrable hide, and now I’m taking forever to gulp down this coffee, as it tastes increasingly like some kind of medicine for animals who have committed crimes as it cools down.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
2.
Alright let’s go. Coffee #2 – ‘amaretto almond’. A close sniff of the granules in this one brought to mind Maoam & poppers with faint undertones of sunday roast, but the actual brew wasn’t too ghastly. It was a bit like trying to suck a cherry drop through a wizard’s beard. 6/10? pic.twitter.com/5VVUwqgRLB
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
That may seem like an overly generous score, but considering the first one tasted like an after eight that had been dropped during a charge on the Somme, I was glad of the reprieve.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
But what of fair Heracles, of the line of Alcaeus? I guess I’d compare this to labour 11, the Apples of the Hesperides, where his taskmaster Eurystheus had basically run out of shit for him to do and so he just dicked about doing a bunch of sidequests before nicking some fruit.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
(Best 11th labour sidequest was Antaeus, a total git whose name just meant ‘opponent’, & who insisted on wrestling *everyone* who walked past. Knowing Antaeus was invincible when touching the earth – which was his mum btw – Hercules just picked him up & crushed him like a crisp.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
(And for anyone worried I have completely lost my mind, please be reassured I’m not going to nail a dozen shit instant coffees in a row. Having just slurped down the last, defeated-bakewell-tasting dregs of this one I reckon I’ll put down my club and lionskin until tomorrow.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 11, 2018
3.
Here’s coffee #3: ‘ginger bread’, and I gotta take a moment here – like Hercules taking a deep draught of peloponnesian sea breeze – to take in its smell. And you know what? It smells like a fucking pet shop on the hottest day of summer. pic.twitter.com/4R0mmsxxRB
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
For a moment, the smell hit me as that of a rich northern chinese stew of some kind, which is still nice even if it’s not what coffee should smell like. But then the illusion collapsed and there it was: cheap dog pellets and sawdust soaked with guinea pig piss.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Let’s have a slug of this then
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Pretty hercu-pleased with that actually. If I ignore the associations of the smell it’s almost something I’d choose to drink. 5/10? I have also found this totally sweet plastic club which will now be by my side for every one of the remaining coffees. pic.twitter.com/qATFrwLUXe
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Gonna compare this to labour 4, the Erymathian Boar, where hercs beats up a pig & carries it into town, but a bloke gets freaked out by it and he hurls it in the sea. That’s because this was an easy drink, but after 3 gulps I was thinking pet shop again & tipped it in the sink.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
As ever with the 4th labour, it’s the sidequests that really shine – on the way to his rumble with the pig, Hercules hangs out with his old friend Pholus – meaning caveman – a centaur who eats raw meat. (Don’t stop to consider centaur digestive mechanics here by the way.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Anyway, Pholus begs some wine, and when he starts smashing it back it brings all the other centaurs to the yard. Hercules realises too late that centaurs literally cannot comprehend wine, as they all get endgame shitfaced and start wailing on him, and he has to batter them all.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
(On revisiting herculean mythology, I’m struck by how depressingly often the guy walks into seemingly reasonable encounters, which then escalate with horrifying speed into needless, chaotic brawls. Hercules was either really unlucky or just had terrible social skills.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
4.
Ok, time for coffee #4, ‘chocolate orange’. This one could really go either way, I reckon – that seems like a lot of things to go on in one coffee. I’ve also tinged this picture green to show my solidarity with the incredible hulk. pic.twitter.com/Vm5L9SlK6q
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Ok I don’t want to get my hopes up here but the smell wafting off the little coffee rocks on this one is genuinely promising. There’s actually something like genuine citrus somewhere deep down in this thing. Let’s boil.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Ok, either I’m developing stockholm syndrome or these are improving. I can’t honestly find a way to call this an aberration – 7/10. Pls bear in mind that on this scale, a score of 10 equates to ‘I would consider drinking this for pleasure, rather than as a hercules-themed ordeal’
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Speaking of Hercules, I’m assigning this coffee the 7th labour, the Cretan Bull, as it was arguably the easiest. All Hercules did was creep up behind the bull (which was the minotaur’s dad btw), and choke it until it passed out. That was the story. He strangled a farm animal.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Since that’s a bit thin, here’s some cattle themed trivia: one of the Large Boy’s many surnames was Buphagus – or bull eater – earned when he ate a bull in one sitting. I guess that’s like a hardcore version of getting your photo on a restaurant wall for eating a massive burger.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
(Although on checking this, a webpage states hercules ‘ate a whole bull at once’, which lends the scene a monstrous sense of urgency. I’m now imagining him just unhinging his jaw to the width of a paddling pool and just inhaling a cow like a big snake with muscly arms.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
5.
Ah fuck, it had to be this one next. For some reason I have been inexplicably dreading this one. Time to herc up. pic.twitter.com/jeXVEiGjuk
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Ok, the smell of the powder is making me a bit wary, but it’s not flat-out horrible. I guess it’s the sort of smell you might imagine being overwhelmed by if some sort of agate-eyed american coin matriarch leaned over you and whispered a slightly sexy threat?
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
The taste of coffee #5 is sinister in a different way. It’s hard to put a finger on. Bland, like the face of a crowd-glimpsed man who later transpires to be your assassin. Perfectly regular, almost pleasant, until a skulking sickliness begins to gather in the roof of the mouth.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Unsettling. ?/10.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Hercwise, this is definitely labour 2, the Lernaean Hydra. When the Beef Greek squared up to this monster he had to spend ages walloping off its various heads until he found the one that was mortal, and that’s a bit how it feels trying to work out what this drink tastes like.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
The other reason this was reminiscent of the hydra battle is because – like Hercules – I had help in defeating it. While H-man’s nephew Iolaus showed up to cauterise the heads as he hacked, I had my mate @jazz_banjo show up to gamely finish the mug when I decided it was too cack.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
(Mythnote: the single best bit of the hydra fight is when Hera – who hates herc’s guts – gets pissed off at how well he is doing and straight up sends a giant crab to distract him, like the space witch off of power rangers. He stamps on the crab; it is a jester to him.)
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
6.
Ok then, it’s time for coffee #6, ‘double chocolate’, and I’ve been so fascinated by taking in the smell of it that I’ve accidentally snorted a bit. Feel like a bloody demigod. Also, can’t stop wondering what separates this from single chocolate? pic.twitter.com/gS1HZlCvRa
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Lemme tell you though, this aroma is *astonishing*. It perfectly encapsulates the waxy, slightly nauseous honk of an easter egg that has been left in a warm car for six months until it goes white. It might be a facsimile of something worthless, but it’s a bloody accomplished one.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
The joke is, however, that the coffee tastes of bugger all. It’s like a lacklustre caravan holiday, but as a drink. Like a fifteen minute conversation with a leasing software salesman at a conference centre in nottingham. A nothing drink, for nobodies and bad men.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Because this coffee was a case of mistaken identity (and a solid 4/10), I’m comparing this to labour 11, the Belt of Hippolyta, in which Hercules sets out to steal a lady’s belt. Turns out she is happy to give it to him but… guess what?
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Yep, that’s right. There is a drastic misunderstanding, and Hercules ends up slaughtering everyone. Honestly, the labours of Hercules read more and more like a sort of ultraviolent reboot of Curb Your Enthusiasm the more I look into them.
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 12, 2018
Right. I am back home in Walsall at last, but the penance of Herakles has followed me home, and I cannot neglect the fact that the Labours are only half complete. Better boil the fackin’ kettle then, eh?
— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) May 14, 2018
