The replies to this are almost worth the price of a ticket to see Lee Hurst

The Alban Arena in St Albans – makes sense – decided to have a competition on Twitter to win tickets to see Lee Hurst, presumably a sign that they still have one or two going spare.

**#Competition Time** Win two tickets to see #LeeHurst at The Alban Arena on Sunday 13 May at 7.30pm. Like and retweet this post before 4pm on Tuesday 8 May and we'll let you know if you're our winner! Good luck!! #comedy #standup pic.twitter.com/ltNFCrTUXo

— The Alban Arena (@albanarena) May 4, 2018

The provincial hotbed of reasonably priced entertainment will doubtless be delighted to have prompted so many responses on Twitter, although not entirely of the sort they were hoping for.

Here are our 19 favourites.

1.

Terms & conditions: you actually have to turn up. Sorry, folks.

— 923 Bastards (@john3ners) May 6, 2018

2.

I’d rather sellotape my labia to a fire door and slam it shut.

— Twinks (@tinytwink) May 5, 2018

3.

If I’m unable to make it on the night would it be ok to leave two large gammons on the seats in my place? Doubt anyone would notice.

— scott nelson (@scottagnelson) May 5, 2018

4.

I’m ironing my balls that night.

— meepskins (@moogbyutts) May 7, 2018

5.

Sorry, that’s the night I’m smothering my pubes with peanut butter and walking through the safari park

— Curbo (@IanCurbo) May 7, 2018

6.

I wouldn’t go outside to see him if he was performing for free in my garden.

— AuntieShaz (@AuntieShaz1) May 5, 2018

7.

I’d at least shut the curtains

— Jon Adams (@jonadams1970) May 5, 2018

8.

I’d rather fuck cheese. And I’m dairy intolerant.

— robertdee (@robertdee) May 5, 2018

9.

I found two Lee Hurst tickets nailed to my garden fence this morning. I was well pleased because nails are always a handy things to have.

— Tony (@funboythree) May 6, 2018

10.

I’d rather staple my bollocks to a concrete floor with a rusty croquet hoop

— Mark Devaney (@markwd1) May 5, 2018

11.

I’d rather watch Dave Lee Travis play McBeth

— Jon (@giftedrascal) May 6, 2018

12.

I’d rather volunteer myself as a mobile speed bump

— Law Geek (@law_geek) May 7, 2018

13.

Second Prize: Win three tickets.

— Dancing on UKIP’s grave 💀☠️ (@Rubbertoes10) May 6, 2018

14.

I would sooner lick my own arsehole. It would feel cleaner and leave a more pleasant taste in my mouth

— Stuart Bramley 🌹 (@StuBram2) May 7, 2018

15.

I see you proudly proclaim “50 years of quality entertainment” on your twitter feed; a shame that such a long run is coming to an end.

— Michael Merrifield (@AstroMikeMerri) May 7, 2018

16.

I’d rather be stuck in a room with Bill Cosby having an awkward silence

— Gavin (@YourFriendGav) May 7, 2018

And this person had a message for the good people of the Alban Arena.

Can you just pick one of the commenters from below your tweet to perform instead. They are actually funny.

— Kellie Dawson (@BigFashionista) May 7, 2018

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