This story of someone’s hilarious f-ck up at work is Twitter’s greatest thread
27.
I begin walking over to them and I move so abruptly that the glasses clink and they turn to look at me. I did this too fast. Now I’m thinking wooooah slow down there martina hingis, so I self-correct to a much slower speed. Watching my breath, nice and casual, you got this buddy.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
28.
Guys. GUYS. Now, I’m moving far too slow. I started at this speed and I’m to embarassed to change and now it’s gonna take me like 5 mins to cross the room. They are watching me, frowning and sweaty, traversing the 5 foot between us like it’s a wooden plank on the Crystal Maze.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
29.
I’m moving so slow my legs are cramping. I think they’re wondering why it’s taking me so long. It’s way harder than walking at normal speed. I’m shaking so the drinks are making noise again. For what feels like minutes.
Anyway, I offer them the drinks and they say no.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
30.
Do this another two times – how long was this presentation anyway, is this what the President does all day? Give her a brochure and a carryout ffs – and they say no. By the end, I’ve calmed down a bit in physical side (sweating, shaking) but I still feel completely batshit.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
31.
At one point I clearly remember believing that my mind had escaped my body and was watching me hold the tray of drinks from the wallspace behind my head. Only out-of-body experience I’ve ever had.
At the very end, they do accept a drink. It was at this point she spoke to me.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
32.
Just some inane pleasantries, to which I reply with some off-the-hook pablum about work and college, at which point she says;
“Oh, is that a Northern accent I detect?”
Dawgs, you know I’m down for the Nordie solidarity vibe, but this is the last thing I need right now.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
33.
“Yeeerrrsh” I say, with a goalkeeper’s glove in my mouth. She starts talking about her experience coming down to study here, how it can be a real scenic change, but the making of you if you keep your eyes open to new experiences.
I can tell she definitely means green ketamine.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
34.
She’s a lovely woman, and very open and generous with her time, giving me ample space to answer her questions which I mostly do with sheepish, one-or-two-word answers. Finally, she asks me if Dublin is everything I thought it wou-
Me: YES I LIKE IT I THINK IT’S GOOD
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
35.
I’d been paying such fierce attention, I’d mis-timed my reply AND badly modulated my volume. She actually recoiled a little. I think the head of the venue actually stepped back and said “jesus!”.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
36.
Mary McAleese flinched for what seemed like half a second, then flashed her best your-mum’s-sound-mate smile and replaced her white wine on my tray. The boss man nodded at me, they walked out of the room and I waited a few seconds before making my way downstairs to the kitchen.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
37.
So at this point I’m thinking, wellll, I’m definitely fired but this will one day make a great story on an Nazi-riddled microblogging platform. I make my way to the staff area, wipe my sopping face and check my phone. I had only been in the room for 35 minutes.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
38.
Dympna pads in all smiles, thanking me for my help at short notice. She sees that I’m a bit freaked and says, almost with a wink, “you could have told me you’d be like this, by the way”
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
39.
I’m thinking, of course, Dympna gets what’s up, it’s the service industry, people mistime their vibes, I bet this isn’t the first time she’s seen some-
“I had no idea you were such a huge fan of Mary McAleese”
I’m sorry what again was that did you mean
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
40.
The boss man had indeed related the events upstairs to Dympna, but rather than a frightened waif hepped up on cat tranqs, he’d seen a political nerd deeply, irretrievably starstruck by contact with the 8th President of the Irish Republic, Mary McAleese.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
41.
Presumably a political nerd with a gland problem, and low-grade artritis in both legs, and a tendency to welcome people into their workspaces, but a political nerd all the same.
Me: Oh, yeah well, you know, it’s embarassing. She’s, just amazing.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
42.
And you know what, she kinda is. She was always very nice to me each of the subsequent times we met – me doling out the drinks, her asking me how Dublin was getting on, all the while the other staff eyeing me to see how I was dealing with such close contact with my hero.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
43.
I’d gurn and fret, play up to it when she’d be coming in, “oh what am I like”. I’d bat away suggestions I fancied her from the more ribald members of the changing room, and laugh along with the usual jibes, safe in the knowledge my nerdy affect had saved my bacon.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
44.
So take ketamine at work, it’s great.
END.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
Bravo! How much did people love his story? This much.
This is one of the finest threads to ever grace Twitter. Via @mrjamesob. My favourite description of drugs ever, I think. "I am no longer mildly weird – but deeply, extravagantly deranged." https://t.co/3Y9PCEsKgZ
— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 3, 2018
You will not regret reading this thread. In fact, you will probably want to give me money for bringing it to your attention… https://t.co/l51XYXYb5j
— James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) May 3, 2018
its just the most fantastic writing…..
— suzanne moore (@suzanne_moore) May 3, 2018
Thanks guys. I was always scared to tell this story in case people judged me for, y’know, loving Mary McAleese that much.
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
You can follow @shockproofbeats here, and the feed where it all began, @b3ta here.
