50 ‘short, clean jokes that get a laugh every time’
26
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
–fireworkslass
27
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work
–3shirts
28
Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
–SuperFreakyNaughty
29
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them
–-georgie
30
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey
–Wicked_Wanderer
31
What do the movies Titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people
–mysevenyearitch
32
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
–VictorBlimpmuscle
33
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish
–3shirts
34
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery
–Birdie_Num_Num
35
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
–Deerhoof_Fan
36
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
–KaboomBoxer
37
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
–The2ndKingInTheNorth
38
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
–venus_w
39
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
–-917-
40
I’ve been told I’m condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)
–iblinkyoublink
41
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
–justacheesyguy
42
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
–RayBrower
43
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
–stevenmc
44
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
–bonanzoid
45
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
–plax1780
46
What thinks the unthinkable?
An itheberg.
–mariana_m
47
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
–Ramundo312
48
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
–BoxxerUOP
49
What’s ET short for?
He’s only got little legs.
–3shirts
50
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
–techgirl0
And if you’ve got this far and are reading this via a link on Facebook or Twitter – please add your own favourite short joke in the replies.
Thank you!
Source: Reddit