50 ‘short, clean jokes that get a laugh every time’
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work
Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
What do the movies Titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Dishes Sean Connery
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
I’ve been told I’m condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What thinks the unthinkable?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
What’s ET short for?
He’s only got little legs.
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
And if you’ve got this far and are reading this via a link on Facebook or Twitter – please add your own favourite short joke in the replies.