This guy nails the issue of a female Doctor Who

Two days ago if I had said I wanted to take a shit in Dr Who’s mouth people would have been fine with it. Now if I say I want to take a shit in Dr Who’s mouth people will say it’s a gender related hate crime. It’s getting like you can’t even say you want to take a shit in anyone’s mouth anymore.

A couple of decades ago I spent a lot of my time saying I wanted to shit into Egon Spengler’s mouth and the rest of the characters of Ghostbusters – including Slimer and the evil one from the painting in Ghostbusters 2. It was fine. Everyone let me get on with it and to be honest, didn’t really pass comment on how I was spending my time.

The Ghostbusters remake came out in 2016 with an all-female cast. For me it was business as usual talking about wanting to shit into people’s mouths. I spent a couple of months in the build up saying I wanted to shit into the mouths of the lead cast and also that I’d shit in the mouths of any new or old ghosts that featured.

All of a sudden I was a mysoginist.

In the eyes of twitter I was “toxic masculinity” personified.

Fine. Move on I thought. See if I can talk about shitting in other people’s mouths.

I moved on to the people who’d worked on the film “Twelve Years A Slave.” I’d had some good success talking about wanting to shit in the mouths of people who’d worked on the films “Twelve Angry Men”, “Oceans Twelve” and “Twelve Monkeys” so I thought I’d try my hand at another film with twelve in it.

I’ve not even seen the film but I was branded a racist.

Some said I was the worst person in the world.

Could these people not see I was just an earnest guy who wanted to write to people in the entertainment industry telling them I wanted to crap into their mouths? I’m the last person that would ever want to hurt or upset anyone.

They didn’t want to know, so I told them I’d shit in all their mouths.

I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t taken it’s toll.

I still like writing online about wanting to shit in people’s mouths but I do it less frequently now and I’m more cautious.

I’m fine. I can take it. I’m old and battle-hardened.

But my fear is for the future generation and for my kids.

If my kids live in a world where they can’t even say they want to shit in other people’s mouths or spend time online directly writing to people whose mouths they want to shit in – then what kind of future will they have?

And what will happen many years from now when the Doctor respawns? Will my children be branded racists, misogynists or something worse just for saying they want to take a shit in someone’s mouth?

That’s not a future the Doctor – whatever gender they are – would want.

LEE KERN
Lee is a writer and comedian.

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Read last week’s column about hope in a world torn by division.

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