This true story about a school “Phantom Penis Drawer” is so funny and brilliantly told

@Darkestkale over on Twitter has told a hilarious story about the wonderfully named Phantom Penis Drawer who scribbled penises all over a school.

Take it away @Darkestkale:

Ok, story time about something someone just reminded me of?

It has dicks.

Back when I was in school, there was a sudden wave of people drawing penises on chairs

Like, imagine you’re sitting on the chair and you open your legs, and there’s a dong there. That’s where they’d draw em

Thus began a long term war between the person/people drawing em, and the teachers cleaning em off

Spoiler: the kid won

This continues for a while, and then the bright genius spark decides to cut the wangs into the plastic chairs with a compass, cause…

… well, you can’t undo that, right?

Right.

So every chair in the music room? DONGS. Hairy dongs. He turned it into sheer art

Sometimes they’d have veins, but the hairs were always present. Sometimes a little liquid nearby.

Anyway, this kid loved drawing dicks

One day, the head of section (years 10-12) has had ENOUGH.

ENOUGH.

That’s it, he calls a special fucking assembly. THIS IS GOING TO END

So he fucking stands up there and seals the fate of said kid:

WILL THE PHANTOM PENIS DRAWER STOP

Wave of laughter.

Yeah mate. You just gave him a cool nickname. Well fucking done.

Except NOW THE PRESSURE IS ON.

You earnt a cool nickname, now you gotta rise (hehe) to the occassion. It’s gonna be hard (heh).

WHAT WILL THE PHANTOM PENIS DRAWER DO?

WHERE WILL THEY STRIKE NEXT?

Shuffle a little into the future.

Parent-Teacher interviews happen.

I get told off a bunch IIRC, but it’s all ok

The next morning, we walk into the common room for assembly, and are greeted…. by the biggest fucking DICK drawn on the carpet

Like, this fucker IS HUGE. HUGE AS FUCK. JUST A GIANT DICK DRAWN ON THE CARPET.

HAIR EVERYWHERE, CURVED SLIGHTLY.

MAJESTIC.

… and the common room is filling with people and we are all just fucking SHOCKED.

SHOCKED I SAY

Have I said this thing is big? Like, this is a common room with a floor big enough for about 360 young adults to sit/stand in

… and the **masterpiece** takes up a fair chunk of this space.

Teachers are telling us to hurry up and sit down…

Uh, so, uh, where do we sit?

Do we sit ON THIS GIANT COCK ON THE FLOOR?

… and eventually we all calm down, but there’s a sense of unease. By now, we all have heard rumors, we know who the PPDrawer is…

… we know, this has probably been not one step too far, but a giant fucking leap beyond the line. Run clear across it pants around ankles.

So we’re all clustering into this area, no one wants to sit on the cock, but… well. We make do.

The head of section, rocks in, gets us all to shut up. We’re all sitting there like DO NOT LOOK OVER AT DAVE

DO NOT BETRAY DAVE.

DON’T DO IT.

DON’T LET EM KNOW

Head of Section just looks down on us, looks at the floor… I mean, he would’ve gotten to school before us, he KNOWS IT’S THERE

“You know what? I give up. We’re done with this.”

“I’m just too shocked to even think of a punishment here. Just… please stop”

Everyone is fucking shocked.

Like, DAVE DREW A PENIS THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE 10 METRES LONG ON THE COMMON ROOM FLOOR AND YOU GIVE UP?

… but see, the Head of Section? He’s actually fucking savy.

He knows that the penis drawer? He’s just… he’s peaked. That’s it. DONE.

I mean, jeez, mate, where do you go from there?

How do you top stealth drawing a 10m dong at parent teacher night?

Parents and teachers IN THE ROOMS that fed off that common room, and he fucking got away with it!

… how can you ever top that?

Well, we saw some new dongs after that, but it was clear the thrill had gone. It was finished.

Anyway, Dave, if you’re out there: It’s been what? 18? 20 years?

You fucking NAILED IT mate.

Anyway, so if you’re out there and want to make a fucking STEALTH GAME.

Do one about Dave.

Do one about Dave Drawing Dicks.

Now I’m sitting here, wondering if Dave ever put that on his resume.

Achievements: Drew a 10m dick without being caught

(Side note: I fucking hate graffiti, but let’s face it, to teenage boys Dave gained ultimate-legendary status that day)

Follow Twitter/@DarkestKale NOW!