85 short jokes that’ll make you laugh *despite* yourself
KevlarGorilla over on Reddit writes, “What is the shortest, very funny joke you know?”
And we’ve read the lot and picked 85 of the best. Here you go!
- A plateau is the highest form of flattery
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
- My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
- You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
- I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
- What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
- At an interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
- A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
- Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
- Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large.
- Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
- I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
- So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
- “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
- What’s the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
- Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
- Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
- I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
- What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
- A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
- Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
- I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
- Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
- What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs. (This is also my all time favorite joke)
- “I stand corrected”, said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
- Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K.
- Why shouldn’t you hire a midget as a chef?The steaks are too high
- What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes \*whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” \*whack*
- A baby seal walks into a club.
- Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
- I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
- Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
- “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
- It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
- Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
- What do you call a french man in sandals? Phelipe Phalop.
- I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
- Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
- Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
- An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
- Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
- What do you call an epileptic person in a garden? Seizure salad.
- What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic’s Association
- Two scientists walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have an H2O, too.” He died.
- What’s the purpose of reindeer? To make the grass grow sweetie
- What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
- What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A cant opener
- “Torture me” said the masochist. “No”, the sadist smiled!
- Velcro. What a rip-off.
- A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘
- When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
- All in all…. it was a good orgy.
- Say what you want about deaf people…
- A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
- Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? They’re making headlines.
- Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
- So a blind man walks into a bar, a bus stop and a fence.
- Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
- When you mix alcohol and literature, you get Tequila Mockingbird
- My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
- I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
- How are broccoli and anal sex similar? If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult
- Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff………..Budum tssshh!!!
- What do you call the little Irish man that lives on your porch? Patty O’Furniture
- What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
- My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her.”………..dishes
- I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
- 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- Stationery store moves
- What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
- An elf, a man, and a wizard walk into a bar. The hobbit laughs as he walks under it.
- How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
- Pedophiles are like tortoises, they both want to get there before the hair.
- How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
- A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, “Well, that answers that question…”
- Cunnilingus is a bit of a mouthful
- Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’
If you have any of your own to share – make sure you add them in the comments on Facebook or Twitter.
Source: Reddit