45 things “overheard in Waitrose” that’ll make you laugh at the preposterously trivial problems of the rich

Only In Waitrose is a Twitter account where they report on, you guessed it, things that have been overheard in Waitrose.

Here’s 45 of their best.

1. ‘Darling, do we need parmesan for both houses?’

2. ‘Please don’t rummage in the reduced bin darling, someone from the golf club might see you.’

3. ‘Darling what have I told you? It’s bay-zil, not baz-il. You’re making a fool of us.’

4. ‘You’ll like potato darling, it’s what Gnocchi is made of’

5. ‘No marinated artichokes? It’s like East Berlin in here’

6. ‘I’d never accept anything less than an inquisitively laid egg on my breakfast table.’

7. ‘Ever since they started to offer free coffee in here it has been like a bloody soup kitchen.’

8. ‘I went to ASDA once and the checkout assistant didn’t even know what Cambozola was. Rough as dogs.’

9. ‘Mummy, will we have to sell some of the holiday homes now that we have left the EU?’

10. ‘Simon, don’t get the basic hummus – you’ll make a laughing stock of me’

11. ‘Daddy does lego have a silent ‘T’, like merlot?’

12. ‘Elijah, put those down. I’ve told you what kind of people eat crisps’

13. ‘Don’t forget the Cashmere enriched toilet roll, darling.’

14. ‘Put the Daily Mail down right this instant.’

15. ‘Horatio! Put down that papaya!’

16. ‘It’s hardly Fortnum and Mason darling, but since daddy put me on a budget I’m having to cut back.’

17. ‘Yes darlings I know you have chicken pox but mummy MUST get bits for the dinner party or she’ll be a laughing stock.’

18. ‘I know. I just died when they offered me a Ferrero Rocher with my Bellini. Rough as tits it was. Absolutely rough as tits.’

19. ‘Go and pop the charity coupon into one of the boxes. Just nothing to do with the the homeless or gypsies, Isaac.’

20. ‘You can put that little green token in one of those boxes, but make sure it’s nothing to do with gypsies or the local comprehensive.’

21. ‘Lady: Darling? Man: Yes dear? Lady: Cashews and goats’ milk in our basket? Man: For the squirrels of course Lady: Oh you’re good’

22. ‘Where’s the Gin?’

23. ‘Mummy you must get me more quinoa otherwise I’ll be a laughing stock during lunch at school’

24. ‘Well I don’t understand how you can’t have organic courgettes. What is this? East Berlin?’

25. ‘No boxes for the champagne? Am I supposed to levitate them to the car?’

26. ‘Well you can forget our weekends away to Cannes now that the selfish working class have voted to leave the EU.’

27. ‘Buy 2, it’ll make us look more expensive darling’

28. ‘That’s not very Versace of you’

29. ‘I called & your colleague explicitly said they were in stock. Perhaps you’d like to explain to my daughter why her fondue evening is ruined’

30. ‘They don’t even have raw cacao powder, it’s like the back streets of Russia in here.’

31. ‘Since they started to offer free coffee, it’s been like a soup kitchen in here.’

32. ‘I know she’s my daughter but her paintings are appalling. Her use of greens is one of the few saving graces.’

33. ‘Don’t even talk to me about bad holidays. The hotel on our ski trip didn’t even have a turn down service.’

34. ‘No, no, I’m not a snob but people who aren’t rich disgust me.’

35. ‘Samantha put that ‘essential’ stuff down! When I married you we agreed not to compromise on the quality of our balsamic vinegar.’

36. ‘Oh buggery-botch-wagons. Felicity, do mummy a favour and grab the organic Quinoa. Quickly darling before it’s our turn to be served.’

37. ‘Come on Annabelle, it’s as rough as tits in here now.’

38. ‘Poppy, just put 2 in the basket otherwise we will just look greedy.’

39. ‘Excuse me, do you stock the earl grey chocolate thins? I either got them from here or Selfridges and I can’t remember for the life of me.’

40. ‘I have the school run, french horn practice and a personal training session. Who could possibly work and have kids?’

41. ‘I just don’t trust the food in ASDA.’

42. To a bemused looking sales assistant: ‘Perhaps you’d like to explain to my guests why Waitrose only had enough Foie Gras for 5 people.’

43. ‘Which Land Rover did you take with you?’

44. ‘I’d have a breakdown but I’ve got a facial booked at 2PM.’

And finally… ‘Overheard in Lidl today in London: “Wont be long, just in Waitrose.”‘

Follow https://twitter.com/OnlyInWaitrose now!

BTW: If you enjoyed this then also read ‘People are sharing the comments they’ve overheard in Waitrose and it’s too funny for words’ which is the same subject matter but with different examples AND you’ll probably also like ‘People are eavesdropping the “posh mums of North London” and it’s comedy gold’