London coffee shop so far up its own arse that nobody can read the sign

A new coffee shop has opened in London that is so pretentious nobody knows what it’s called because they can’t read the sign.


“It’s all about creating the right atmosphere and sense of place for our customers,” said the owner, Ichabod Hardméat, who spent over £50,000 employing a graphic design company to choose the typeface.

“The first thing customers see is the sign – which gives our shop a unique atmosphere – mostly one of confusion.”

“It might be called ‘Coffee & Things’?” said one baffled customer. “Or it might be ‘Expensive and Shit’. I just paid a fiver for a cookie that I could have got in Greggs for £1.29. I hope it’s artisanal.”

Hardméat says the same typeface was also used inside the shop to continue the atmosphere.

“It not just about branding – when people struggle to read the prices they have no idea they’re paying £7.95 for a ham and cheese bap until it’s too late.”

“They have no idea what we’re called so they can’t slag us off to their friends. It’s the perfect business model.”