These 25 tweets from someone who is “definitely not a wolf pretending to be a man” are comedy genius
“NOT A WOLF” describes itself as a “COFFEE LOVER. GRAPHIC DESIGNER. DEFINITELY NOT A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE A MAN.” but the one thing you need to know is that it’s all genius.
Here’s their best 25 tweets.
1.
HELLO YES DOCTOR I HAD A QUESTION
I AM EXPERIENCING A PERSISTENT DREAD
OH JUST PART OF THE HUMAN PACKAGE HUH
OKAY COOL FUN
LOVING THIS
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) May 17, 2016
2.
MODERN DATING IS DIFFICULT
DO I SWIPE RIGHT
DO I SWIPE LEFT
OR DO I JUST RETURN TO THE WOODS WHERE LIFE HAS ALWAYS MADE SENSE
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) June 16, 2016
3.
UGH PUBLIC TRANSIT IS THE WORST
SO CRAMPED
SO SMELLY
EVERYONE ALWAYS SCREAMING
WOLF ON THE TRAIN
OH GOD
OH MY GOD
WOLF ON THE TRAIN
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) July 1, 2016
4.
IT IS THANKSGIVING
CELEBRATE FAMILY
FEAST ON AVIAN FLESH
BATHE IN GRAVY
PREPARE FOR THE LONG COLD
BRACE FOR THE SEASON OF DEATH
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 24, 2016
5.
EVERYONE KNOWS THE LOCKER ROOM IS NOT A PLACE WHERE YOU TALK
IT IS A PLACE WHERE YOU POINT AT STRANGERS AND SAY
THAT GUY HAS A WOLF PENIS
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 13, 2016
6.
I HATE RUDE CLIENTS
BUT YOU KNOW THE SAYING
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT
NOT
THE CUSTOMER SHOULD BE CAREFUL
FOR DEATH HIDES EVERYWHERE
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) September 29, 2016
7.
YOU CANNOT GO HOME AGAIN
BECAUSE HOME IS A FEELING TIED TO A BYGONE TIME AND PLACE
NOT BECAUSE THE WOODS YOU GREW UP IN ARE A MALL NOW
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 22, 2016
8.
ALL COUPLES FIGHT
JUST RECOGNIZE WHEN YOU ARE WRONG
ROLL ONTO YOUR BACK TO EXPOSE YOUR VULNERABLE SIDE TO YOUR NOW DOMINANT LOVER
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 29, 2016
9.
I DO NOT WANT TO GET TOO POLITICAL HERE BUT I THINK IT IS TOTALLY FINE TO EAT AN ENTIRE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN AT THE GYM
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 14, 2016
10.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR WINTER
TIME TO CURL UP WITH SOME HOT COCOA IN FRONT OF A FIRE
I CAN HOLD THE MUG CORRECTLY
I AM NOT SCARED OF THE FIRE
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 25, 2016
11.
CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW COOL IT IS THAT NONE OF US ARE WOLVES LIVING ELABORATE LIES
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) September 13, 2016
12.
I WORK ON FREELANCE
DO NOT ASK FOR MY WORK HISTORY
DO NOT ASK ME TO PROVE MY SKILL SET
I AM A REAL HUMAN GRAPHIC DESIGNER
I LOVE FONT
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) September 9, 2016
13.
AH WONDERFUL THE BRUNCH MENU
EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAPPEN TO SERVE FOURTEEN POUNDS OF RAW AND BLEEDING MEAT
OH SORRY
I MEANT AVOCADO TOAST
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 7, 2016
14.
AT WHAT POINT IN THE BURRITO DOES MY UNENDING ANXIETY RECEDE
OR IS THAT NOT WHAT THESE ARE FOR
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 30, 2016
15.
WOW I LOVE THE CITY
JUST WALL TO WALL HUMANS
PACING OVER CONCRETE THAT WAS NEVER THEIRS
LIKE DANCING ON A GRAVE
OH MY GOD A SBARRO
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 27, 2016
16.
I WILL TAKE THE PERFECT SELFIE
I WILL SHOW OFF MY SYMMETRICAL FEATURES
I WILL RECEIVE MANY LIKES
I WILL KEEP THE DARKNESS AT BAY
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) May 26, 2016
17.
STOP AND FRISK IS NOT THE SOLUTION
IT IS AN INVASION OF PRIVACY
MY BACKPACK FULL OF ROTISSERIE CHICKENS IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 11, 2016
18.
HOLY HELL HAVE YOU ALL TRIED PIZZA YET
I MEAN I CLEARLY HAVE
THOUSANDS OF TIMES
BUT GOOD GOD WHAT A THING
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 9, 2016
19.
JUST AN IDEA ON HOW TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSIDER HAVING ONE STATE THAT IS JUST WOLVES
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) July 21, 2016
20.
DO NOT ASK ME WHERE YOU CAN BUY MY NOVELS
THEY ARE LIMITED EDITION AND VERY EXCLUSIVE
THEY ARE NOT SHREDDED UP BECAUSE I GOT MAD AT WORDS
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 2, 2016
21.
MY MORNING ROUTINE IS TYPICAL
WAKE UP
LOOK IN MIRROR
SCREAM AT THE REALIZATION OF MY CONCEPT OF SELF
BRUSH MY 42 SERRATED TEETH
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) July 21, 2016
22.
MY HUMAN LIPS AND I ARE ENJOYING SOME HOT AUTUMNAL CIDER
FEAR NOT
MY BODY CAN PROCESS THESE SUGARS
I WILL NOT BECOME ILL
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) October 14, 2016
23.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA BUT THE WOODS ARE FILLED WITH HORRORS THAT WISH ONLY TO FEAST ON YOUR BONES
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) September 13, 2016
24.
I WILL USE AN INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF COFFEE TO MAKE PEERS THINK I AM INTERESTING EVEN THOUGH IT IS JUST HOT BEAN WATER
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) November 17, 2016
25.
I LOVE OFFICE CULTURE
WE SHOULD TOUCH BASE
I WILL LOOP YOU IN
LET US CIRCLE BACK
I EAT BONES
SYNERGY
WHAT DID I JUST SAY EVEN
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) December 6, 2016