Simply 21 of the best Victoria Wood one-liners and jokes

Terrible news today that much loved comedian Victoria Wood has lost a “short battle with cancer” and is no longer with us.

To celebrate her life and work – here’s simply 21 of of her great jokes and one-liners:

  • If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.
  • We’d like to apologise to our viewers in the north…………it must be awful for them.
  • A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.
  • A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.
  • Sexual harassment at work… is it a problem for the self-employed?
  • People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.
  • All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.
  • I haven’t got a waist. I’ve just got a sort of place, a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
  • I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.
  • The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”
  • Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.
  • I sometimes think that being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the Pill.
  • I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.
  • I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.
  • Tony Blair puts two poems in a bus shelter and calls it a university.
  • My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
  • It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We’re vegetarians.
  • Life’s not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.
  • My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.
  • When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”
  • I’m all for killing animals and turning them into handbags. I just don’t want to have to eat them.
  • And finally… who could forget her signing her brilliant composition, “Let’s do it”

    And this guy on YouTube pretty much sums up what everyone feels: