Simply 26 funny jokes from Ronnie Corbett

  • “It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men: Laurel and Hardy.”
  • “A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.”
  • “A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.”
  • “French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.”

  • “This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said, ‘Do you want me to be funny?’ They said, ‘No, just be yourself.'”
  • “After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.”
  • “We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.”
  • “I hope you like my trousers. If I wear too much tartan I tend to look like a Thermos flask.”

  • “It was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men: Laurel and Hardy.”
  • “There was a chap who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena; the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago. You know, a bit like second-class mail.”
  • “This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.”
  • “This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.”

  • “A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned!”
  • “George Trimble, Blackpool’s longest-serving deckchair attendant, was better tonight after collapsing at work. It took five people 40 minutes to work out how to get him up again.”
  • “Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a ­Toyota with Quasimodo? He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!”
  • “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
  • “We will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.”

  • “There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.”
  • “We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.”
  • “West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers — but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.”
  • “My great-grandfather was killed at Custer’s Last Stand — he didn’t take part in any fighting, he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.”
  • “For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: “Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!”. And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.”

  • “All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.”
  • “I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn’t a sale at Allied Carpets.”
  • “Offers of work have been flooding in. Last week I was invited to go on a round-the-world cruise. By the chairman of the Flat Earth Society.”
  • “Since the last joke, I’d like to thank all those of you who have written in with suggestions about what I can do with my act, one or two of you with diagrams.”
  • “A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?'”

MISS YOU RONNIE!