“Fremony At The Library” is the weirdest newspaper story you’ll read today

Blogger Karl Malden writes, “This news item first appeared in the Peterborough Standard in 1979. Someone sent the clipping to Private Eye, which is where I read it and promptly came close to death from oxygen starvation.”

It’s just extraordinary – make sure you read it in full, it made us feel like we were having a stroke – and there’s a transcript below the image so you don’t have to squint.

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CROWLAND’S Silver Jubilee committee was finally wound up on Thursday evening with a presentation ceremony at the library.

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The jubilee fund, described by chairman Frank Parnell as ‘one of the finest efforts in Lincolnshire’, fn he latched onto a through ball. Although he was hauled down by the ‘keeper he still managed to stroke the ball home.

But for the second week running Durant had to leave the field injured, this time suffering eye trouble.

The winning goal was another 25-yard shot – again from Blackstones’ central defender – coming from their second chance of the game.

Gary Cooper, recently signed from Queens Old Boys, had a good debut.