50 Twitter Jokes That Will Brighten Your Day
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have something seriously wrong with you then please see a doctor. But whilst you are on your tea break at work, hundreds of people are writing silly little jokes to brighten your day for free. Here are some of our favourites.
(The following are in no particular order)
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) May 23, 2013
If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they're someone new entirely. You don't have to say hi
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 3, 2014
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
— Mat (@MatCro) December 30, 2013
The person who first discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT. THE FUCK. IS GOING ON!!"
— Jaz (@jazmasta) October 10, 2013
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
"No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 25, 2014
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 17, 2015
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) July 14, 2015
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 21, 2014
"Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."
"Got any others?"
"Sounds a lot like the last one"
— Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) August 15, 2014
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 6, 2012
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
Women's deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow
Men's: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) December 1, 2014
Do u hear that music?
"ugh its my crazy ex again"
How can you tell?
[i come whipping around the corner in an ice cream truck] FUCK YOU GREG
— madeleine sweet (@madeleinesweet) February 24, 2015
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
"If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
— Sacha Fernando (@sacha_is_good) March 21, 2014
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 13, 2015
So many pigs seem to die while eating an apple.
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) October 14, 2013
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
— October Jones (@OctoberJones) September 15, 2010
If there's one thing the The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me, it's that eating too much will one day make you beautiful.
— Bec Hill a.k.a Be Chill (@bechillcomedian) February 1, 2013
"Can I pet your dog?"
Sure, his bark's worse than his bite
[dog bites three fingers off]
[dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 13, 2015
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014
"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me."
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
"TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 7, 2015
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
— Joe West (@joejwest) March 2, 2015
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
— MꙬse Allain (@MooseAllain) August 17, 2011
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
— The No Show (@The_No_Show) June 13, 2014
Really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying "I can't go on. I hate my life." My roommate is too selfish to notice. Always busy crying.
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) May 15, 2014
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 28, 2014
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him 🙁 He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) November 28, 2012
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
— Chris (@ChribHibble) May 18, 2012
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
— Lydia Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) July 11, 2014
It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) October 11, 2014
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
— Alice White (@alicewhitey) January 3, 2013
technically you're not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i'll get some water
— zoë bread (@zoebread) June 9, 2014
So embarrassing when you stare into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you so you wave but the abyss was staring at the dude behind you.
— joe (@mutablejoe) July 14, 2014
Bae: come over
Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren't home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) November 17, 2014
Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
— cluedont (@cluedont) August 15, 2014
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
*Dogs on coffee break*
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
*Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) March 10, 2015
The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he erect a penis.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 9, 2014
Last night my mate asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book.
The future is stupid.
— Dean Burnett (@garwboy) August 3, 2014
My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.
I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) December 19, 2012
Mate, you're a bagging area, how unexpected can my item be?
— opheLia (@annabel_lea) March 24, 2015
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 10, 2013