Army To Machine Gun Somerset Floods

Environment News: The army has been deployed to flood stricken Somerset, in the hope they can machine gun any rising floodwater back into the rivers.

The Ministry of Defence has is is still considering what other actions can be taken to deal with the Somerset floods.

Aside from shooting the water, they are also considering using grenades, verbal intimidation and building schools in the hope they can win ‘the hearts and minds’ of the floodwater, forcing it to retreat back to the river.

The MoD said up to 100 military personnel will be drafted in to fire at the floodwater. “If machine gunning the floods fails, local residents can at least fashion crude rafts out of the hundreds of thousands of spent bullet casings.”

Many have criticised the government’s slow response to the flooding. Environment secretary Owen Paterson released a brief statement earlier, which simply read “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”