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Londoners ‘Never More Than Six Feet Away From An Artisanal Burger’

Pollution News: Health officials today warned those living in the capital that they are now never more than a few feet away from an overpriced posh burger.

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“Due to the overcrowded nature of London and the insatiable appetite of the population for expensive artisanal food, anyone who lives within Zone 3 will now be alarmingly close to a nest of posh burgers,” said Dr. David Prezo-Viando from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

Dr. Prezo-Viando told Londoners that early warning signs of an artisanal burger infestation include discarded slices of Monterey Jack cheese and the sound of a dullard banging on about how authentic burgers should taste.

Some eighteen months ago DEFRA issued a similar warning about the capital becoming overrun with posh BBQ shops selling nothing but pulled pork – but this crisis was averted after intensive work by the agency to convince people that pulled pork is nothing but pure bullshit.

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