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Supermarkets Demand Human Sacrifice To Get Loyalty Cards

Retail News: Supermarkets across the U.K are to demand that shoppers sacrifice a human life in order to prove their true loyalty to the store.

“For too long shoppers have signed up for loyalty cards and the only thing we have asked in return is that they shop with us,” said a spokesman for the UK Supermarket Association.

“Now we demand that their so-called loyalty should be tested, by sacrificing a human soul to their supermarket of choice. Only then will points and small discounts be earned.”

Newly issued loyalty cards will come with a razor sharp edge, suitable for cutting a throat, and ceremonial robes emblazoned with the supermarket’s logo will be made available to customers in-store.

“Nectar points are not earnt without consequence,” said a Sainsbury’s spokesman. “And now Lord Sainsbury demands death, so that the aisles will run red with the blood of the unloyal.”