Wayne Rooney ‘Digging Tunnel To Escape Manchester’

Sports News: Footballer Wayne Rooney is now so desperate to get away from Manchester United he is digging an escape tunnel.

Rooney has not played a single pre-season match for United – and his plan was only discovered during a recent training session, when he was spotted casually dropping small piles of earth out of his shorts.

“After a thorough inspection by ground staff, they uncovered a small tunnel underneath the changing rooms,” said manager David Moyes. “The tunnel appeared to be heading in a southerly direction, possibly towards Chelsea.”

A further search of Rooney’s locker found a crude map of London drawn on a silk handkerchief, a compass hidden inside the heel of one of his trainers, and a scrap of paper with some basic cockney phrases written on it.

“I don’t know why the press is always making such a fuss about Rooney,” said Moyes.

“Here’s very happy here. Needless to say after this incident we will be stepping up patrols and possibly shooting a few of the ground staff we think aided him in his escape attempt. I hope this serves as a lesson to you all.”