The 100 Funniest People On Twitter [2012]

So how did The Poke come up with the list of the 100 Funniest People on twitter 2012?

a) We asked our 75,000 followers to nominate the Tweeters that regularly made them laugh – the ones that were frequently mentioned got added to the pile.

b) Then we added these to our own list.

c) Then we wrote these names onto individual post-it notes, stuck them on a window and tried to rank these into a top 50, in order of funnyness.

d) This proved impossible so we attempted to turn it into a Top 100. This made the process FAR worse.

e) So we put them in alphabetical order.

So without further a do – here is the definitive list of the 100 Funniest People On Twitter (except the one’s written on the bits of paper that blew out of the window when we had that storm the other day).

Drum roll please….

@Alan_Machnik Alan Machnik ‏

Bio: My abandonment issues mean I can’t even eat Cheerios. Writer for hire. Enquire within.

Sample Tweet: How many Chinese Whispers does it take to change a lightbulb? Steven.

@amateuradam  Adam Kay ‏

Bio:I write comedies for TVs and sometimes I perform comedies on stages. Nincompoof.

Sample Tweet: There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

@ArenaFlowers  Arena Flowers ‏

Bio: Flower delivery has come a long way. Not only can you order them online now, but they are only very rarely forced through letterboxes anymore.

Sample Tweet: Due to an autocorrect cock-up, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture.

@BanksyIdeas Banksy Ideas

Bio: The R&D dept at Banksy HQ. This is a parody account, yeah?

Sample Tweet: Stencil of Rebekah Brooks breast feeding a tiny David Cameron. Drink up, yeah?

@Biltawulf  Tiahowler Biltawülf ‏

Bio: Duck. Tweets. Does Projects. Projects never quite go to plan.

Sample Tweet: I am far more annoyed at having to press the “allow cookies” button on every website I visit than by anything cookies ever did to me.

@blindfumble  Blind Fumble ‏

Bio: Flappy-fringed Glaswegian graphic designer, 140-part tales of fatuity & fervor most of which usually involve unicorns.

Sample Tweet: Pretend you’re in a perfume advert by saying words that bear no relevance to each other while riding a diamanté stallion up your own arse.

@boobygraffoe  Boothby Graffoe ‏

Bio: I’ve just told my wife she’s not allowed to be a bishop.

Sample Tweet: Immigration is out of control! We have to support our brave boys! Cor! Look at the tits on her! Wow. I’ve really caught The Sun today.

@caitlinmoran  Caitlin Moran ‏

Bio: Writing the fuck out of shit since 1992.

Sample Tweet: People who tank their exams today: I don’t even have a GCSE. There are other ways to get on. For instance: lying. And/or being slutty.

@charltonbrooker  Charlie Brooker ‏

Bio: Underwhelmist.

Sample Tweet: Mark Zuckerberg won’t stop until he owns a photo of everybody’s anus. That’s what this is all leading to. That’s the masterplan.

@ChribHibble  Chris ‏

Bio: Active anti-vegetarianist, fervent salad-dodger and Atheist.

Sample Tweet: The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

@cluedont  Cluedont ‏

Bio: I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!

Sample Tweet: Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a tweet often goes undetected.

@comedyfish  Comedyfish ‏

Bio: Born from an egg on a mountain top

Sample Tweet: The best thing about going to a Brazilian restaurant is you know there’ll be no hair in your food

@DaftLimmy  Limmy ‏

Bio: New series of Limmy’s Show on NOW.

Sample Tweet: If you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, an easy way to remember is to learn it.

@dandouglas  Daniel Douglas

Bio: Intermittent bedlamite. Opinions are not my own, instead via the CIA courtesy of MK-ULTRA.

Sample Tweet: Overheard some splendidly bullshit-free parenting at Sydenham station. “Mummy, I’m freezing. Am I dying?” “We’re all slowly dying, darling.”

@davidschneider  David Schneider ‏

Bio: Actor, writer, comedian, fool.

Sample Tweet: The Olympics on the BBC has been incredible. I just hope they commission another series.

@death_stairs  Death_Stairs ‏

Bio: All of my toes are the same length, but I lead a normal life.

Sample Tweet: BBC News: “Jessica Ennis gets off to a flyer”. What next? Bradley Wiggins wanking off over a pamphlet?

@dmuper  Dumper ‏

Bio: Helo i am Dumper i do workexpereiance at Pop Justice, ienjoy socielising and music.


@EatMyHalo  Halo ‏

Bio: Robocop, Predator, Jaws and Total Recall. Coffee. TV. Junk food. That’s all.

Sample Tweet: ‘Pro Bono’ means ‘for the public good’. ‘Bono’ means ‘sanctimonious tax-dodging bellend’. Latin is hard.

@_Enanem_  Neil ‏

Bio: I traded my old bio for this new improved bio, I can’t believe the results.

Sample Tweet: I just looked in the mirror and thought, who’s that old man staring back at me? Then I realised it’s not a mirror, it’s a fish fingers box.

@Feelwelcome Toby Tripp ‏

Bio: Freelance Lilo Deflater

Sample Tweet: PARENTS. Cheer up your sick child by frothing their medicine. Hey presto – Calpolccino.

@fiatpanda  Simon Guerrero ‏

Bio: Centre-right feminist. Although I do like a nice pair of tits.

Sample Tweet: Two worms in a pear tree. First worm says, “Can we have a chat?” Second worm says, “Sorry, I’m in a Conference”.

@frankieboyle  Frankie Boyle ‏

Bio: I am the place between love and violence

Sample Tweet: There’s an alternative reading of Dr Who where it’s about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebox.

@FrankieMcGinty  Frankie McGinty ‏

Bio: Twisted buffoon.

Sample Tweet: In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.

@Fuckingledge  Complete Ledge ‏

Bio: Target smasher. Master cocksman.

Sample Tweet: Alcohol-free beer and a Smirnoff Ice. Ironic shandy. You absolute classic

@Gary_Bainbridge  Gary Bainbridge ‏

Bio: Chap. Draws boxes. Writes comedy. Rides on buses.

Sample Tweet: It’s Talk Like A Pirate Day, or, if you live in the West Country, Wednesday.

@gdorean  gdorean ‏

Bio: No disappointment necessary.

Sample Tweet: I’ve entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. It’s basically a Win Loos situation.

@GlennyRodge  Glenny Rodge ‏

Bio: Screenwriter, comedian, actor, socialist and model. These are words. As are custard, trumpet, wardrobe, trousers and dandelion.

Sample Tweet:  Arse would be a great name for an Elbow tribute band.

@Glinner  Graham Linehan ‏

Bio: I apologise in advance.

Sample Tweet: Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

@govindajeggy  Sanjeev Kohli ‏

Bio: Navid out of Still Game, Synthesiser Patel out of Look Around You.

Sample Tweet:  When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified.

@gracedent Grace Dent

Bio: Quietly deluxe at an international level.

Sample Tweet: I wish more women would parade about with their vag half out. I don’t think every little girl in britain has learned enough about success yet

@GusTheFox  Gus The Fox ‏

Bio: Sucking tuna out of a bomber jacket.

Sample Tweet: At a gender reassignment clinic. Eating all the cocks and balls out of an old bin.

@HAL9000_ HAL 9000 ‏

Bio: HAL 9000 is the sentient on-board computer of the spaceship Discovery.

Sample Tweet: I didn’t get why Hugh Hefner marrying a 25 yr old was weird until Dave said it’s like docking an iPhone to an Apple II. GROSS!!

@Horrorsc0pes Horrorscopes ‏ 

Bio: Our expert astrologers will give you the guidance you need to live your life.

Sample Tweet: #CANCER: Jupiter is aligned with Mercury today, but it has no impact on your life as they’re just planets that are millions of miles away.

@IamEnidColeslaw  Mary Charlene ‏

Bio: the Garbage Pail Kids version of Zooey Deschanel

Sample Tweet:  Jesus, Adele. Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

@IanMartin  Ian Martin ‏

Bio: The Thick of It, VEEP, Architects’ Journal, the Guardian etc.

Sample Tweet: When did ‘fired up’ become OK to say, instead of ‘switched on’? It’s a FUCKING LAPTOP. Not the pizza oven in Jamie Oliver’s fucking garden.

@Inbetweener_  Inbetweeneя ‏

Bio: Twitter. Cut out and keep guide.

Sample Tweet:  Morning – weather, moaning and general anger. Afternoon – lunch, bad puns. Evening – TV, despair

@Its_Death  Steve Death ‏

Bio: Live with 3 other guys. We like horses.

Sample Tweet:  Instagram is down. Hipsters are staring at cups of lattés asking “What do I do with it now? What do you mean ‘drink it’?”

@ITSSADWHEN  it’s Sad When…

Bio: Sad tweets that document those unfortunate events we can all relate to.


@jacques_aih  Jacques_as_in_Hattie ‏

Bio: The Independent’s most influential tweeter (entertainment) 2011. No, really.

Sample Tweet:  When the Ring showed up in The Shire, that was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

@jamiesont  Tom Jamieson ‏

Bio: Comedy writer for Private Eye and other stuff.

Sample Tweet:  Hopefully Pippa Middleton making the list of world’s 100 most influential people will empower more women to look pretty & have a great arse.

@JCautomatic  JC ‏

Bio: I once donated some sperm. The man shaking the charity bucket was not impressed though.

Sample Tweet: You say “the wanker off Baywatch” I say “the bellend off Knight Rider” Let’s call the whole thing Hoff.

@JennyJohnsonHi5  Jenny Johnson ‏

Bio: Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs.

Sample Tweet: ‘Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.’

@JulianDutton1  Julian Dutton ‏

Bio: TV & Radio writer/performer: Big Impression, Secret World etc.

Sample Tweet: Suffer from a phobia of numbers? Call the Number Phobia Helpline on 8473820940303209537264940302746809880829800888674729. Ask for Ethel.

@LauraSparling  Laura Sparling ‏

Bio: Melter of glass. Curly of hair. Liker of words.

Sample Tweet: I fear that one day I will select the incorrect eyebrow hair to pluck and then my face will collapse like a game of Kerplunk.

@LittleLostLad  Little Lost Lad

Bio: I have a short attention spandau ballet that’s who sing Golden retrievers are great.

Sample Tweet: If you haven’t got anything interesting to say, post it on Facebook.

@liz_buckley  Liz Buckley ‏

Bio: Dept. manager at a reissue record company. Music, comedy, films, animals: there’s lovely. Bit soft.

Sample Tweet: Really tired. Guard at train station offered his hand to help with my bag but I misunderstood and we just held hands for a while.

@madeupstats  Made-up Stats ‏

Bio: Strengths: Stats. Weaknesses: Checking stuff

Sample Tweet: If Twitter raised the character limit from 140 to 200, it would finally allow 90 million German speakers to finish a sentence.

@Martin_Carr  Martin Carr ‏

Bio: Songwriter. Chewing a brick.

Sample Tweet: I didn’t get any qualifications from school and look at me .. I’M ON TWITTER!

@mattwhatsit  Matt Whatsit ‏

Bio: Pinballing through life with all the grace of a giraffe on ketamine. Into sex.

Sample Tweet: I see Wayne Rooney has joined Twitter. This should be like watching a seal work a Rubik’s Cube.

@meganamram  Megan Amram ‏

Bio: it’s this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that’s ‘in’ right now. – my mom

Sample Tweet: This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It’s in my living room, only my family showed up, and they’re just telling me to stop drinking.

@moanup  Moanup ‏

Bio: I’ve got my cock out.

Sample Tweet: Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to diss a Brie?

@moc_moc_a_moc  Martyn

Bio: Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained. – Woody Allen

Sample Tweet: Just once I’d like to become so obsessed with solving a murder that I pin autopsy photos to my wall and let my drinking get out of control.

@MooseAllain  Moose Allain ‏

Bio: Artist & Illustrator. Dogsbody, but human head. Peripheral visionary. Pest.

Sample Tweet: Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

@mostly_grumpy  Mostly Grumpy ‏

Bio: Self-employed. Work for a proper twat. Writer for money. Hate tomatoes.

Sample Tweet: If you think you are ‘quirky’ ‘wacky’ or an ‘individual’, there’s bad news I’m afraid. You’re a cunt. Don’t believe me? Ask someone.

@mr_seanhughes  Sean Hughes ‏

Bio: Comedian, actor, writer and that sort of thing.

Sample Tweet: I once over dosed on amphetamines. I was rushed to hospital and made to work the night shift.

@MrBButterfield  Brian Butterfield ‏

Bio: Business Man Entrepreneur Business Man

Sample Tweet: INTERESTING FACT: Mr. T is short for Mister T

@mrnickharvey  Nick Harvey ‏

Bio: Composer. Lots of TV stuff. Really good at some things, bloody awful at others.

Sample Tweet: All underwear is edible if you’re willing to persevere.

@mrmichaelspicer Michael Spicer

Bio: An impressively consistent disappointment.

Sample tweet: Seeing Linkedin Park tonight. They’re like Linkin Park except they don’t know who the other band members are or why they’re in the band.

@MrPLitchfield  Paul Litchfield ‏

Bio: Kind of a comedian. Slightly an actor. Sort of a writer.

Sample Tweet: “Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.” Whatever! I can’t stop looking at my Tardis full of tits.

@NickMotown Jason

Bio: I am an unemployed chef.

Sample Tweet: Those who say “I love you” is the most beautiful three word phrase in English are overlooking the aesthetic glory of “shark devours Gove”.

@OctoberJones  October Jones

Bio:‏ I get Texts from my Dog. BOOK now available. YAY!

Sample Tweet: ‘Oh Edward. It’s so complicated. I’m a girl, you’re a vampire. He’s a dog. She’s a Mermaid, that’s a cow, there’s a horse. This is bollocks’

@OhNotACop  Not A Cop

Bio: Pastimes include: buying and selling drugs. Also I’m #notacop Not a Cop!

Sample Tweet: Hahahaha totally just stole a blue 2002 Honda Civic. RT if you stole a similar car between the hours of 3-4pm in the Westbrook area today.

@pauleggleston  Paul Eggleston

Bio: If I had to sum myself up, I’d go with Paul + Paul = Pauls

Sample Tweet: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

@PigeonJon  Jon Pigeon

Bio:My Name’s Jon and I’m a fucking pigeon.

Sample Tweet: Shat on a teenager because he said YOLO.

@PlioceneBloke  Homo Erectus ‏

Bio: Bio not invent yet.

Sample Tweet: Dream one day all tribe of world connect by wire for share all important. Many, many image of cat.

@prodnose Danny Baker

Bio: Prodnose: How Much Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth? Foulenough! Begone!

Sample Tweet: Just saw two episodes of Barney The Dinosaur. One themed ‘We’re All Different’ the other ‘Everybody’s The Same’. No wonder kids are rioting.

@profanityswan  Andy Dawson

Bio: It’s only Twitter. It’s not oxygen. Go for a fucking walk or something.

Sample Tweet: Andy Carroll, once again looking like someone who’s been given a ‘Professional Footballer Experience Day’ for a birthday gift.

@Pundamentalism  James Martin

Bio: There’s no ‘i’ in ‘Liar’. Adman by day, dragon slaying by Knight.

Sample Tweet: The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

@Queen_UK  Elizabeth Windsor ‏


Sample Tweet: For the avoidance of doubt, there is no such thing as ‘American English’. There is the English language and there are mistakes.

@ratbanjos  Nat Saunders

Bio: I saw a wasp and I ran away from the wasp but then I fell into a wasp’s house and all the wasps bit me.

Sample Tweet: Turns out when your wife’s away for a few days, setting your FB relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’ isn’t as funny as you think it is.

@RealBobMortimer  Bob Mortimer

Bio: went to a was ok

Sample Tweet: True or false: when not meandering around garden centres 40% of all pensioners spend the day trapped in their net curtains

@RealTimVine  Tim Vine ‏

Bio: The official Twitter page for comedian Tim Vine.

Sample Tweet: I haven’t seen a cowboy film for a while. It’s all quiet on the western front.

@rhodri Rhodri Marsden ‏

Bio: The audial essence of pure black evil.

Sample Tweet: The way I now consume news: a) See jokes about a story on Twitter b) Try to work out what the story is c) Find story d) Understand jokes

@robdelaney  Rob Delaney ‏

Bio: Comedian, Writer, 6’3 217 lbs.

Sample Tweet: The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

@RogerQuimbly  Mr Roger Quimbly ‏

Bio: Fridge magnate

Does ‘heinous’ rhyme with ‘penis’ or ‘anus’? To win a prize, send your one word answer to Piers Morgan. Good luck!

@rolldiggity  Matt Roller

Bio: @Arbys blocked my account.

Sample Tweet: 1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.

@RufusHound Rufus Hound

Bio: One of those.

Sample Tweet: The only problem with drinking this much Guinness is that tomorrow I’ll release a poop that will rival the Exxon Valdez disaster.

@Schmoodles  Jessica ‏

Bio: I silently mouth the words ‘What the fuck?’ at least 20 times a day.

Sample Tweet: The word ‘phonetically’ doesn’t even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.

 @scottywrotem  David Stokes

Bio: Still no contact from Mastermind, maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the West Midlands’.

Sample Tweet: If you hit Chumbawumba at 30mph there’s an 80% chance they’ll get back up again.

@serafinowicz  Peter Serafinowicz ‏

Bio: Male actress and comedienne.

Sample Tweet: “Float like an octopus, sting like a clock.” – Mohammed Dali

@sexyexecutive  Gary J. Cutlackowitz

Bio: Chief CEO & Managing Assistant President of Sexy Executives Inc.

Sample Tweet: Over the next 52 weeks, Learn About Printing gives you everything you need to build a fully working HP LaserJet M1120 for only £5.99 a week.

@sfendle Sfendle

Bio: No comment.

Sample Tweet: Craig David. Organise your week better by instead of making love on Wednesday, going to the cinema instead, it’s 2 for 1.

@shitmydadsays  Justin ‏

Bio: Author of Shit My Dad Says.

Sample Tweet: “There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last.

@shitlondon Shit London

Bio: Noticing the urban minutiae since a while back.

Sample Tweet: Man on train opens laptop. Carriage immeditely treated to LOUD sex sounds. Man slams laptop shut. Turns red. Excellent. My day made.

@simonblackwell Simon Blackwell

Bio: Comedy writer/producer: Veep, The Thick Of It, In The Loop, Peep Show, Four Lions…

Sample Tweet: The more we learn of Neolithic man, his social structures and environment, the more it seems The Flintstones was just an elaborate fiction.

@sixthformpoet  Sixth Form Poet ‏

Bio: Please buy my book, I owe people money.

Sample Tweet: The real tragedy of Goldilocks And The Three Bears is that Mr and Mrs Bear, a young married couple, already sleep in separate beds.

@themiltonjones  Milton Jones ‏

Bio: Medium size town in the Midlands.

Sample Tweet: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
best way to store seagulls

@TheMockneyCook  Not Jamie Oliver

Bio: Lingo! I’m pushing the literary boundaries of gob-conquering grub construction.

Sample Tweet: Cryptic. I’m deciphering a well sneaky transmission of my pukka honey marinated gammon with a git of repeatedly assaulted spuds. Formidable.

@thesimonevans Simon Evans

Bio: I do my poos in Hove

Sample Tweet: “Hello, Schrodinger’s cattery, how may I help you?” “Oh, we left Pebbles with you, just ringing up to ask if he’s OK?” ‘Yes and no.”

@thesulk  Alec Sulkin ‏

Bio: Breaker of Swift Mustache Hairs

Sample Tweet: Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”

@tinytwinks Twinks

Bio: If my Tweets offend you I can stop if you like? Or you can fuck off.

Sample Tweet: Fucking middle class Christmas adverts. Where’s the one with the dad pissed off his face on Stella and the mum crying in the kitchen?

@tokyo_sexwhale  Tokyo Sexwhale

Bio: Illustrator, animator, cartoonist. ‘WHAT A GREAT NON-WIT YOU ARE’ – Michael Winner.

Sample Tweet: If you stick your finger up your arse and hold down your belly button for 10 seconds you’ll reset.

@TonyCowards  Tony Cowards ‏

Bio: The Pun-osaurus, ‘The best joke writer around’ – GQ Magazine.

Sample Tweet: Why is anyone surprised that the bankers are thieving bastards, even their newspaper of choice is called “Theft”, sorry, “The FT”

@trouteyes  Turn Around ‏

Bio: Every now and then I fall apart.

Sample Tweet: I cannot speak highly enough about Helium.

@Twistedlilkitty  Maria ‏

Bio: Scientist, doodler, not a professional comedian or a chimney sweep.

Sample Tweet: Siri now makes bitchy comments about people in your contacts, slowly isolating you from them to become your only friend. #iPhone5Features

@TwopTwips  Twop Twips

Bio:‏ (If you’re really bored you could also follow @Twips2)

Sample Tweet: CREATE your own Florence & The Machine album by locking an owl in a wind chime shop. (via @sixft2blue)

@utterben Ben ‏

Bio: Early man, late twenties. Don’t let me die with that silly look in my eyes.

Sample Tweet: Germany is full of weird ö’s.

@WeirdHorse  Weird Horse

Bio: Sniffing a twig

Sample Tweet: You and me horsey ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s drink a lot of water and pretend that we’re camels

@WelshDalaiLama  Dai Lama ‏

Bio: I’m the Welsh Dalai Lama, wisest boyo in Wales.

Sample Tweet: Trying to cheer up Audley Harrison with a joke. All I said was “knock knock…” and he fell unconscious on the floor again. #glassjaw


Bio: Jam Hot. 18+

Sample Tweet: I’ve just been playing Grand Theft Auto. I crashed into someone. I couldn’t find the “Exchange insurance details” button. Very frustrating.

@WstonesOxfordSt  WaterstonesOxfordSt ‏

Bio: Tales from Waterstones Oxford St.

Sample Tweet: DRINKING GAME (over 18s only): Sit down with a book and a nice glass of wine. Every time you feel a bit thirsty, take a sip.

@Youvebinframed  You’ve Been Framed ‏

Bio: Man sends in footage of wife falling off ladder. Doesn’t realise this isn’t actually You’ve Been Framed. No £250.

Sample Tweet: Human pyramid at a village fete collapses. Everybody gets up. One man in a tuxedo lays motionless.

Compiled by: David Harris and James Herring

Layout by: Simon Swatman

P.S We are sorry that we inevitably forgot to include you – next year we will probably engage a firm of highly paid external auditors to do the job for us…

Feel free to make the case for notable omissions in the comments box below.