‘I will develop rickets to connect with working class’

Economy News: Chancellor George Osborne ‎has announced plans to contract the disease rickets, in a last-ditch bid to connect with the British working classes.

Rickets – a softening of the bones often caused by severe malnutrition – leads to skeletal deformities, muscle weakness and dental problems – all of which Osbsorne says are ‘vital to understand the working classes’.

“It’s what they all have, isn’t it?” said Osborne at a press conference this morning. “I imagine it’s from living on a diet of pasties and cheap lager. But if it means we can get the economy moving again and I can restore the faith of the electorate then so be it.”

Osborne has also announced plans to wear a string vest, get a tattoo and install a burnt-out car directly outside his family home in London’s Notting Hill.

“It’ll be like that programme on the television, Shameless,” said Osborne. “I haven’t seen it myself, but I got one of my Filipino maids to describe it to me. What are those poor people like!”

Story: Simon Swatman