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Tesco chief executive has UK boss beheaded

Consumer News: Philip Clarke, Tesco’s group chief executive, has had the supermarket’s UK boss beheaded in front of staff, and plans to display his severed head as a warning to others.


Staff at the Tesco branch in Stalham, Norfolk, were summoned to the car park at 8am this morning, when Clarke gave the order to have Tesco’s UK boss Richard Brasher beheaded by a masked man wielding an axe. Reportedly, his last words were “A Brasher always pays his debts.”

“I thought we were going to be told about redundancies,” said one employee. “So seeing a beheading came as quite a relief actually.”

Clarke, who is to take over as CEO of Tesco immediately, also plans to display Brasher’s decapitated head on a spike outside the store’s entrance, next to the community notice board and cash machines.

“The UK’s been facing challenges that are long standing,” said Clarke. “We can only start to solve these problems if the limp, headless body of the failure that is Richard Brasher lies crumpled at my feet.”

He went on to add, “There are no men like me. Only me.”

Story+Image: Simon Swatman