Every detail of Houston’s death to be made public

Music News: Every single minute detail about the death of Whitney Houston will be made public and discussed at length on the internet, a spokesman for the LAPD has confirmed.

“Whitney Houston was a icon with an unforgettable voice,” said Travis Muckraker, entertainment correspondent for some shitty gossip website. “Her passing leaves us with so many questions.”

“What furniture was in her hotel room? Did she eat the Kit Kat in the mini bar, or did she think $4 for a bar of chocolate was too much? What was her recent browsing history on the hotel’s free wi-fi?”

Once every single detail about the death of the six-time Grammy Award winner has been made public, Muckraker says the media interest won’t end there. “Then comes the speculation. The squalid, groundless, seemingly endless speculation.”

“I imagine if we had any actual empathy for human beings it would be quite difficult to do our jobs.”

Story: Simon Swatman