Syrian president ‘already has his death-drain picked out’

Syria Latest: A leaked internal memo suggests that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has already personally selected the drain he intends to die in any day now.

The twenty-three page memo shows Assad has spent several months choosing the gutter, shortlisting a number of potential death-drains on the outskirts of Syria’s capital city, Damascus.

According to the memo, Assad selected his wish list of death-drains based on various factors:

i) How much arm room does the drain have? Is there enough room for him to unholster his pistol and attempt to blow his brains out?

ii) Is the drain on a hill? Will this ensure the best vantage point for the crowds of people filming his body being dragged out of the drain on their camera phones?

ii) Proximity to a Premier Inn? A nearby Premier Inn would be perfect for Assad to have a shower and get some breakfast, should he survive the night in his death-drain.

“I hope he’s got enough room in that drain for his long neck!” said C.I.A spokesman and amateur stand-up comedian Harrison Thaddeus-Cleveland.

“I don’t know if he’s going to eat some leaves off a tree, or order the deaths of thousands of innocent Syrians. Seriously, who apart from giraffes have necks that long?”

Story+Image: Simon Swatman