‘What’s wrong with this squirrel’s nuts?’

The Poke’s vet, Steve Grunt, is back to answer more of your animal questions. Thanks to all those who sent theirs in – if you have something you would like to ask Steve, please email him at [email protected]

Hi Steve.
These weren’t the type of ‘nuts’ I was expecting to see during tonight’s ‘The Great British Bake Off’. They do seem rather large. Is this normal for a squirrel?
Julie Arthurs

Julie.
It looks like it has CGI genitals. The BBC have been known to get up to this kind of thing before – Huw Edwards has an identical stipulation in his contract.

Steve,
I bought my son a gerbil for his birthday three weeks ago. He adores it and has named it ‘The Saturdays’ after his favourite group. I opened his cage to clean it this morning and The Saturdays ran out. Before I could react our kitten, High School Musical 3, pounced and got the gerbil in her mouth. I rescued it from the cat’s jaws, but now it’s just lying on its side, breathing heavily. What to do?
Jack K.

Jack,
It sounds like the poor thing is properly fucked. Having said that, you could try the following as a last resort: using an AA battery and two lengths of copper wire you could fashion a defibrillator. You never know, it may just do the trick. (For animals larger than a rabbit use a car battery).

Steve,
We bought a parrot from a pet shop and it appears to have a quite alarming vocabulary. Among its choice phrases are ‘British Jobs for British People’, ‘No more Mosques’ and ‘Send Them Home’. We tried to take it back to the shop the next day, but the windows were all boarded up and there was a policeman standing outside. What can we do with a racist parrot?
Barry Rusk.

Barry,
Put a classified ad in The Daily Mail.

Steve,
How much whisky does it take to get a horse pissed?
Harry Sauce, Worcestershire.

Harry,
It depends on the size of the horse. Is it a big horse?

Steve,
Pretty big, yes.
Harry Sauce, Worcestershire.

Harry,
Three bottles should do it.

Steve,
How do I break the news to a 5 year old boy that his gerbil, called The Saturdays, is dead?
Jack K.

Jack,
Don’t mince your words – it could do more harm than good. When my beloved Grandma died my parents told me she had gone to ‘live with the big man upstairs’. It so happened that we lived in a block of council flats and on the very top floor lived ‘Fat Phil’. I pestered that poor man to release my Grandma for months and months.

Steve dictated this Q&A to David Harris