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Halifax threaten to execute Howard over bank reform

Bank News: Following today’s release of Sir John Vickers’ report into banking reform, the Halifax has kidnapped Howard, their former ‘media ambassador’, and are threatening to behead him if the government implements any of the report’s recommendations.

Halifax threaten to execute Howard over banking reform

While the banking world has been lobbying hard to prevent any changes to the way it recklessly gambles with the nation’s money, pockets the profits and hands the losses to the taxpayer, the strongest threat up until now has come from Barclays boss Bob Diamond, who has promised to move their investment arm to America if there are any limits put on their ability to create recession and throw thousands out of work.

Today, however, the Halifax has gone one step further. “Either you back the fuck up,” C.E.O Tony Nut warned the country, “or we will execute poor, loveable old Howard and leave his head on the railings of Number 10.”

Though Howard left the bank in May to pursue a career as a ‘personality’, unconfirmed reports suggest that he was lured back to a branch in central London early this morning on the promise of a highly-paid corporate appearance. His whereabouts remain unknown.

While this violent promise has caused an outcry up and down the country, other banks have described the move as ‘reasonable and appropriate’.

Scottish Widows also announced today that they are prepared to go on a killing spree before self-immolating, while Lloyds has released a statement outlining their intention to “drag that black horse out into the street, shoot it, cook it, and eat it – just to show people how prepared we are to defend our public image.”

 

Story: Jasper Gibson