Study finds UK birds ‘definitely up to something’

Birds News: A new study conducted by the RSPB has found that a majority of birds in U.K gardens are ‘definitely planning something’ and look ‘bloody shifty’.

The study, compiled by over 300 lonely middle-aged men, involved carefully observing birds in gardens across the country then speculating on what was going on inside their tiny, devious, avian brains.

“Whatever these birds are planning it can’t be good,” said Gareth Newport, an amateur birdwatcher who took part in the study.

“Virtually all the birds I observed had blank, unfeeling eyes. Eyes which would have stolen my soul if I had spent any amount of time gazing directly into them.”

“They might look like they’re harmlessly eating seeds and breadcrumbs,” said another birdwatcher who wishes to remain anonymous over fears of reprisals from finches, “but you could tell they were also planning the best way to get into my house and peck out my larynx while I slept”.