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Petraeus hands over Afghanistan command to Hulk Hogan

World News: U.S General David Petraeus has handed over command of the Afghan war to ex-wrestler and reality TV star Hulk Hogan yesterday, in line with preparations to withdraw over the next few years.



“I’ve done about as much as I can in Afghanistan” said Petraeus in a statement released to the press.

“Now it’s time for me to ‘tag’ Hogan and let some Hulkamania into the ‘ring’ – hopefully he can ‘pin down’ the insurgents until al-Qaida are forced into ‘submission’.”

The rest of the written statement was illegible, as it appeared to be heavily stained by tears.

“It’s a proven strategy that has worked time and time again for both the U.S and the U.K” says military expert Jean-Jaques Pistolet.

“In 1982, Big Daddy was sent to the Falklands to mop up the last of the Argentinean forces – and as recently as 2006 in Iraq, Bret “The Hitman” Hart proved integral in locating and capturing Saddam Hussein.”

I think he sat on Hussein’s chest until the Navy SEALs showed up.”