Surgical Palmistry ‘can double life expectancy’

Medical News: The Institute of Surgical Palmistry today announced a new form of surgery that will ‘double life expectancy, globally, for anyone with at least one hand.’

surgical palmistry

For centuries, charlatan palm readers sold us the lie that our destiny is written immutably on our hands,” says palm surgeon Hans Orloff.

What a load of fatalistic cobblers. We’ve all got the power to change our destiny. You’ve got a short life-line, so what? Surgical Palmistry can lengthen it, adding decades to your life. Your longevity is only limited by the size of your hand.”

The Poke puts some commonly asked questions about Surgical Palmistry to Hans Orloff:

I know Surgical Palmistry can make me live longer, but can it give me the child I’ve always dreamed of?

Yes. We cure infertility by carving ‘Child lines’ onto the side of your hand. We cut to the bone to ensure that your baby is happy and healthy.

That knife looks dirty and rusty. Will I get tetanus?

No, we immunise you before we start the surgical procedure by carving the ‘Tetanus line’ off your hand.

Knives are amazing. I love them. What else can a knife do?

What can’t a knife do? There’s not much a knife can’t do. If a knife can’t do it, it’s not worth doing.

Why is there blood pouring out of your face?

I popped to the toilet and cut myself some extra laughter lines. Don’t try it at home. Augmenting laughter lines around your eyes with a knife in a toilet is a complex procedure that should only be performed by trained medical professionals.

My hands are tiny and I don’t want to die. Is there anything I can do?

Our integrated Handswap™ service allows you to trade your tiny hands for some larger hands, responsibly-sourced from the Third World.

Can Surgical Palmistry stop my inevitable descent into base criminality caused by my prominent brow and low hairline?

In short: No. We’re not miracle workers, but our learned colleagues at the Institute of Surgical Phrenology would be happy to help.