Luxembourg buys Greece

Greek Crisis: It looks like Greece’s problems could be over as news broke today of Luxembourg’s intention to buy the whole country, pay off all its debts and move there full time.

Greece’s political elite have secretly been looking for an ‘all-out buyer’ for some time and sources close to Papandreou say that it was only at the eleventh hour that Luxembourg outbid the European Council itself, which had been eyeing up the sun-drenched country as new office space.

As a fresh wave of bloody riots broke out in every town, village and city, Luxembourg Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker said: “We have been wanting to move to a bigger place for some time. It needs a lot of work doing to it but it’s got bags of charm and, of course, right now it’s a bargain. Who knows – once we have increased its value, we might even sell it on to Monaco or someone like that.”

It’s understood that Greeks will be offered immediate Luxembourgian citizenship.

“Anyone who refuses,” Juncker told a rowdy press conference this morning, “will be forcefully repatriated.”

“But how can they be repatriated if they no longer have a country,” asked Sky News’ Adam Boulton.

“You better ask the Greeks,” Juncker replied, “They’re the philosophers.”