How to get fired
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, ‘Sorry, I really prefer it this way’.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with ‘…in accordance with the prophecy.’
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
1. Say to your boss, ‘I like your style’, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ’email!’
5. Put decaf in the coffee machine for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole-punching your finger. Each time you do, shout ‘damnit, it’s happened again!’ Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as ‘the office bike’. Then wink and pout.
8. Call the I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Roger’.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you ‘really have to go do a number two’.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘she can abort it for all I care.’
6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, ‘Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!’
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, ‘As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!’
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: ‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone now.’
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. While a colleague is writing, grab their pen and throw it out of the nearest open window.
(via Dave Watford)