Sarah Palin: ‘Sorry, I’ve been high the whole time.’

World News: With the Chinese in Washington, and Sarah Palin insisting to a bemused reporter that “she never ordered a takeaway, let alone a delivery”, pressure has been mounting for the Tea Party poster girl to explain, “just what the heck is going on in that head of hers,” as one commentator put it.

No one, however, could have expected the former governor of Alaska’s shock admission yesterday that she’s been “ripped to the tits” for months – and never more so than while campaigning against President Obama’s improvements to the federal program.

“Actually, I’m basically cool about a lot of this stuff,” she told stunned anchorman, Fox News’ Judge Andrew Napolitano before taking an Ecstasy pill out of her handbag. “But then I got my hands on some of these disco biscuits! Sorry folks – I gotta tell you – I’ve been high as a kite this whole time. And it’s been great!”

Palin went on to say that when she wasn’t “loaded” she had “no difficulty whatsoever” with the idea that a modern democracy could contribute, via taxation, to a system of national healthcare.

“I mean, the British have been doing it for 60 years or something. That’s got to be a basically good idea, or they would have stopped it already. Right? I mean I’m not imagining it, am I?”

When asked about issues raised by the recent tragedy in Tucson, Arizona, and whether right-wing campaign rhetoric had played any part, Mrs Palin was clear.

“Honey, I haven’t the first clue what you’re talking about. I smoked a whole blunt in the green room and I’m walking on air. Hey – you got any snacks back there? Any cookies? Potato chips?”