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Gazza releases book for Christmas

Gazza News: Police forces across the country are hastily equipping their already highly-trained firearms officers and negotiators with the latest weapon to help them deal with crazed gunmen this Christmas. But it’s not a Taser. Neither is it some form of tranquilising dart. It’s a book.

Written by ex-England international Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, and inspired by the star’s involvement in the manhunt for Raoul Moat, ‘The Delicate Art of Taakin’ to Nuttaz with guns n’ that’ has been published to tap into the lucrative celebrity Christmas book market, and comes complete with diagrams and a CD-Rom.

gazza releases book for christmas

Offficers are advised to “ not gan in with aal guns blazin n’ that” and “mebeez offer the blurk a canny kebab – a knaa just the place that does the best in aal Newcassel”.

Most importantly, Gazza’s urges Police to contact him immediately, should another dangerous stand-off arise.

“Lerruz in so a can taak to them – a knaa how these blurks operate, and a knaa what makes them tick, like. It’s normally beer n’ fags, and av got lurds of that shite in my hoose” he says. “Failin’ that, wuz can both get off wor tits on some ace gear a’ve got at yem” he adds.

At a time when Police forces around the country are keen to show an increasingly nervous public every step available is being taken to help reduce gun crime, the publication of Gazza’s book has been welcomed.

Brent Usherwood, spokesperson for the Association of Chief Police Officers (APCO) praised the troubled, peroxide-haired Geordie’s literary aspirations: “Our firearms officers go through a rigourous selection process that takes years to complete. Our negotiators hold doctorates and degrees from some of the best universities in the world. All of this can only be boosted by the arrival of Gazza’s book.”

Questions remain, however, whether constabularies outside the North-East will be able to implement Gazza’s tips. Though the book is written phonetically, publishers KingPin promise a translated edition will soon be forthcoming.

“All customers will be able to read this book either in the original Geordie or in Southern,” said edtor Catherine Grant, “so you can choose between  ‘how man, lerruz in so wuz can just taak like two marraz n’ that and sort aal this shite oot‘ and ‘excuse me, but if you let me in, we can talk like friends and maybe sort this mess out together’. It’s entirely up to you.”