Simply 13 sexy trees

Tree news: If you go down to the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise as scientist have revealed that trees across the UK are resisting the drop in temperature by ‘getting sexy’.

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‘Sexy tree’ phenomenon, also known as ‘coitus arbores’ or ‘wood’ used to be a relatively rare occurence. In recent years however, it has become a common sight in British woodland during the winter months, and a firm favourite amongst ramblers and other people who like to hang around in overgrown areas at night.

“When it becomes cold, trees like to express themselves sexually,” says dendrologist Roland Marks, “which guards against frost as well as putting off pests such as deer and squirrels, both of which are famously prudish. It does attract many humans, however, who cannot help hugging the tree and touching its sexy bits, providing much needed warmth.”

Though no one knows for sure what has caused the increase in ‘sexy trees’, scientist do expect the sexy behaviour to last – possibly until spring.

“And that means sexy fruit,” says Marks, “which means sexy puddings and sexy cider. Which is of particular interest to scientists.”