Spending Review: Local Councils must ‘ring-fence emergency services’
“Cuts to supply are unpopular, so we cut demand,” says Liam Fox, Conservative MP for North Somerset. “Instead of ring-fencing funding, we ring-fenced the public services themselves: with wasps, stinging nettles and barbed wire.”
In any form of emergency, Somerset locals have been instructed to use a public telephone, located in Dead Man’s Dell, a dark forest made famous by the escaped serial killer who lives there. The phone itself is surrounded by stinging nettles, wasps and a barbed wire fence.
“Soon most of Somerset’s £142million a year spend, which we have slashed by 97%, will go on barbed wire, nettle seeds and 8,000,000 gallons of unbranded Cola to pour over our local hospital, fire and police stations to attract apocalyptic amounts of wasps. It’s all very organic and ecological.”
“We believe in long-termism: Half the money we’ll save will be ploughed back into services that benefit the public. Like the genetic modification of angrier super-wasps and giant sentient stinging nettles. As Defence Secretary, I would not rule out using a similar Wasp-Nettle-Wire technique to meet the required 8% cuts to defence funding.”
>> For those government cuts at a glance click here
>> For more about The Pig Society click here
>> For Nick Clegg’s scheme to wipe out the national debt in one go click here