Apple’s new SpiPad allows users ‘to connect instantly’ with Andy Coulson

At a highly-charged press conference in London last night, Apple CEO Steve Jobs demonstrated the newest addition to his range of mobile communications devices which allows users to effortlessly share text, music, streaming video and private conversations with David Cameron’s director of communications Andy Coulson.

The device, which was developed thanks to research funding from News International, allows Apple enthusiasts worldwide to connect to Andy at any time and divulge all of their digital information.

“This is the next level of 4G interactivity,” Jobs proclaimed to an ecstatic audience of tech experts, correspondents and Stephen Fry. “Never again will you have an excuse not to tell Andy exactly what you’re doing, where, and to who.”

“It’s ‘to whom’.” Fry was heard muttering at the back of the conference.

Coulson, who remains under scrutiny over allegations of complicity and possible direct influence in phone-hacking activities by staff during his tenure as editor of News Of The World, was very excited about the development – but wished not to be regarded as someone who should automatically be bothered by the minutiae of SpiPad owners’ daily lives.

“I already have a funny pet,” he said, “this is not really the sort of demographic it was designed for.”

The coalition guru would not be pinned down on who exactly the SpiPad was aimed at, except to say “They know who they are. Okay, I know who they are. And Scotland Yard. I have no further comment.”

Dismissing claims that SpiPad technology was unstable, and often connected users to Lindsey Coulson, better known as Carol on Eastenders, Jobs rolled his eyes. “They’re holding it wrong,” he said.